


Always Remember Us

by RegallyWickedThirteen



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, F/F, SQ Star is born AU that no one asked for, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-09-27 22:30:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 42,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20415355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RegallyWickedThirteen/pseuds/RegallyWickedThirteen
Summary: SQ A Star is Born AU.Emma is a famous singer constantly on the road. Regina has contented herself with singing covers in a local bar. What happens when these two meet? Will their budding relationship survive the trials and tribulations of the life of musicians on the road? Can these two women who have closed themselves off to love, love again?





	1. A singer in a smokey room

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NikiFrost](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikiFrost/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Always Remember Us [Fanart]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20475056) by [NikiFrost](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikiFrost/pseuds/NikiFrost). 

> I don’t want to give too much away but to those who have seen the most recent version of the film I will assure you now that the ending is different. That doesn’t mean it's an easy ride for our two leading ladies. 
> 
> I will include all relevant themes in the tags and warn you at the start of each chapter
> 
> Also I am quite possibly the least musical person ever I am completely tone deaf, cannot dance a step in time (unless it's the macarena, cha cha slide or the time warp). I have tried to research the musical stuff when necessary and also asked some of my friends who are musical- everything else is based on what I feel when at a concert, listening to music etc. 
> 
> Thank you to my Beta Louise and to my cheerleader Sarah. You've both been amazing.
> 
> The final thank you must go to Niki for creating such a wonderful and beautiful piece of artwork for this fic. Please be sure to check it out and comment on it.

There was a certain thrill in performing, strumming the guitar, whipping her hair, hearing the crowd scream and sing along. It was two hours where Emma felt alive. Where she felt in control. Where she felt like she wasn’t a total fuck up. The only trouble was that it just lead to an even bigger crash. The only thing that seemed to help then was a cocktail of alcohol, preferably rum, and valium. 

///

FUCKING MEN. 

Leo was a fucking twat. If she were being totally honest with herself, Regina was surprised it had lasted this long. He’d been easy. He was rich, would fill the silences with his own voice, he was happy as long as she had sex with him every now and again. It wasn’t good but he was quick and that was enough, enough to fill a void she didn’t know how else to fill. Enough was enough, she would put up with many things but sitting by and letting her boyfriend fuck other people wasn’t one of them. 

FUCKING MEN. 

She left the stall and bumped into Mal, who was late, again, but they both know that Leroy will give them a half arsed lecture and let them get on with their shift. Working at the hotel was alright, but it was only a backstop until they found something better. 

“I dumped him,” she mentioned as casually as possible. 

“Finally” Mal exclaimed, but she moved closer to Regina and wrapped her arm around her shoulders. “You okay though babe?” 

“Yeah; we both knew it was only a matter of time. It still hurts though,” Regina sighed. 

Whatever Mal was going to say was forgotten when Leroy called: “Regina! Garbage!” 

Great! Just when she thought her day couldn’t get any worse... 

After what seemed like an eternity her shift dragged to a finish, and throwing her gloves into the trash she began the short walk to Roni’s, humming Somewhere Over the Rainbow. The Wizard of Oz was one of her favourite childhood movies; there was something magical and timeless about Somewhere Over the Rainbow. 

\-- alcohol misuse and anxiety attack. Skip until you see the astrix 

Emma had no idea where she was. She did know, however, that there didn’t seem to be anymore rum in the bottle, which was a problem. She needed more. There were still hours until the next show. She needed sleep. By sleep she meant she needed to pass out. It was the only way she felt like she could get any peace. The only way those niggling doubts, those voices that told her she was worthless, another washed up, sell out, would shut up. She knew she was an alcoholic; just like her good for nothing father; her mum always said she was daddy’s little girl. Knowing it didn’t change anything though, if anything it just added to those self deprecating thoughts that ended with her drinking even more, in a pathetic effort to shut them out; it was a vicious cycle. 

She’d tried to get to clean. To take a clean break. She really had, she’d attended meetings, done the steps, tried therapy, poured every drop of liquor in her apartment down the sink. It had been two weeks of utter hell. The shivering hadn’t stopped, her hands trembled, she was constantly covered in a gleam of sweat. She hadn’t been able to play. She hadn’t eaten properly; solid food made her sick; a consequence of having a liquid diet. After the initial withdrawal things had gotten better, she’d felt almost human. She was able to enjoy the wonders of music fully for the first time in years. She could actually see the crowd, when usually they were just a blur. She found her songs actually meant something for the first time in a long time. 

***

Then she met Neal. Everyone warned her about Neal, but Emma didn’t listen. He seemed to be just what she needed; he was spontaneous, a free-spirit and up for anything. He was also sweet, and had a boyish charm; he complimented her in all the right ways. Emma knew he wasn’t perfect though; he never lied about his petty crime. Somehow Emma thought that made it better, that there’s something honest and raw in owning your flaws and mistakes. Looking back she was just a fool in love. She was the up and coming singer with abandonment issues and an alcoholic, he was a thief who needed a pretty girl to take the fall for his latest heist. Fucking Men. 

She did her stint in Tallahassee penitentiary but wrangled a reduced sentence because of her up and coming fame and the fact the judge had met Neal once or twice before, and in his gut knew he was the real criminal behind the crime, but had no way of proving it. The day she got her sentence was the day she knew the only men she’d ever trust again were Captain Morgan and Jack Daniels.. It’s also why she was stumbling out of her car into what was hopefully a bar. No other establishment would have a neon sign that said what she thought was ‘Roni’s’.

She opened the door and was surprised to see the place so full. Maybe it wasn’t as much of a dive as she initially thought. 

In her drunken haze she forgot that people knew who she was, or did until a bubbly blonde pulled her to the bar squealing; “OMG IT’S YOU! REGINA’S GONNA FREAK. Can I get you a drink?” 

Emma didn’t know who this woman was or who this ‘Regina’ person was, but she found herself curious on both counts and wasn’t going to turn down a drink, after all that’s why she’d come here in the first place. 

After receiving her ‘Jack on the rocks’ she turned to the stage, and found herself blinking several times deliberately to try and make the stage stop spinning. 

“Is this a drag bar?” She heard herself asking. Shit she wasn’t supposed to say it that loud. 

The woman, whom had eventually introduced herself as Mal, laughed: “Yeah it is, me and Regina come here every Friday night, its crazy but brilliant. You’ll love it, I promise.” 

Emma had to admit she was intrigued to meet this ‘Regina’ and she could also admit that ‘Ru Pauls Drag Race’ had been her companion on a number of mornings, or lets be honest; afternoons, as she attempted to shake off some of the effects of the night before. 

Roni’s had saved Regina in so many ways. It was the one place where she could just be herself, no pressure, no judgement. The men were all fabulous, and had a confidence in themselves that she could only dream of. She knew she was incredibly lucky to be able to sing here, drag queens were notoriously, and understandably proud of their stages and clubs. Getting ready for the show was almost as fun as performing, especially on a Friday. Killian (Kay) was wearing his favourite princess/pirate mash up which made him look ridiculously camp but Regina had to admit she could really rock a leather jacket and the eyeliner. Robin (Robyn) was a hoot, he was always cracking jokes and always knew how to cheer her up. Tonight, he’d come up behind her and slapped on his fake tits and nearly forced Regina to spit out her drink. Before she knew it, it was her time to perform and she only hoped the performance would go a lot better than the rest of the day had gone. 

‘La Vie en Rose’ was a bold choice she knew, not only was it tough technically with some really high and long notes, but people also had a mixed reaction to singing in a foreign language. Some found it sexy, others found it boring. It was one of her favourite songs though, it was powerful, a song that had so much opportunity to express emotions. It was a song about love, about longing, belonging, about believing. 

Regina knew that she could sing. She still felt arrogant saying, or even thinking that, but she also could admit it was a fact by now. If she wasn’t a good singer, if people didn’t like her they’d stop turning up to listen to her. 

For the first few bars of the song she didn’t look up, she never did, those few seconds are about her and the music, about feeling the song through every single fibre of her being, about that connection between her soul and the lyrics. Next she would look up and take in the crowd, making sure she surveyed the whole room, looking at everyone but no-one at the same time. That was the real trick with any kind of performance: to make everyone in the room think you are looking at them, that they and only them are the most important person in the world, in that moment. She didn’t like to talk about it to people because she knew it sounded fake and pretentious, but she really believed in it. To her, she really did have a connection with every person in the room, it was real, that’s the magic of music. 

Today though someone in particular caught her eye. A blonde woman who looked familiar but she couldn’t work out where from. Mal was grinning madly; she obviously knew something that Regina didn’t and she was betting it had something to do with the blonde. Regina made her way through the space as she sang, making efforts to stop at as many tables as she could as she subtly made her way towards the blonde. 

Emma. Emma Swan. Country Rock Superstar. One of her idols. Fuck she was so much more beautiful and sexy in person. Oh and really, really drunk if the slight drop of the head was anything to go by. 

///

Emma expected covers. She didn’t expect ‘La Vie En Rose’, or that voice, or that body. That girl, no woman, was exceptionally talented. Many people tried to sing that song but very few could do it justice. She did. She made it her own. She made her feel something. This woman could sing and she was wasted on that stage. From Mal’s smile she guessed this had to be the elusive Regina. Emma found herself, for the first time in a long, long time, just enjoying someone else’s music, and if the person with bold brown eyes happened to be dressed in what can only be described in a black lace negligee and be beautifully toned, then even better. 

///

Regina always put on a show, she never usually laid on the bar with a rose in her mouth, giving the perfect view of her cleavage to a woman she idolized and had pictured naked multiple times, but she knew she looked hot in her outfit tonight and the way Emma’s eyes were bulging, Emma thought so too. She was newly single, horny and in the mood to throw caution to the wind. 

“Would anyone like any french tips tonight?” she asked breathlessly.

///

Emma’s jeans suddenly felt more uncomfortable, her hands suddenly more sweaty. If she thought Regina singing in French was hot (which it undoubtedly was) she had no idea what that sultry tone did to her. Except she did because she could feel it in her core. Emma needed to sober up if she had any chance of not making a complete and utter fool of herself. 

///

Regina returned to the stage for the final note, winking at Emma on the way back before draping over the chair. 

Tonight would be hard to top. 

///

Emma needed to speak to Regina. Needed to tell her how good she was. How hot she was. She began to subtly request backstage permissions, but Mal was dragging her back before she even finished her sentence. Standing and speaking without slurring was becoming quite the test as well, and she actually could have done with practicing a little before meeting Regina.

///

Regina knew she’d been more flirty tonight. She knew she directed it all at Emma, and she’d enjoyed it. She didn’t expect Emma to come into the back. She acted confident on stage but back here in the harsh light of the makeshift green room, she just felt vulnerable. 

“How did you get back here?” she asked skittishly. 

“Your friend brought me back here,” Emma mumbled. “Can I get you a drink?” Well done Emma, that doesn’t sound creepy or desparate at all. “I’m sorry I had a little to drink, I didn’t mean to sound like a horny old man.” 

OH MY GOD I NEED TO SHUT UP!

Emma’s response had done nothing to help Regina feel less vulnerable but if the blush on Emma’s face was any indication the blonde was genuinely embarrassed and was just being a gentlewoman.

“I can see you’re not a horny old man dear, unlike you my eyes haven’t been affected by alcohol, as for that drink I have to- um- change and take the paint out my hair” she stuttered. Well now look who has ‘word-vomit’ Regina. 

Thankfully Robin chose that moment to be, well Robyn. Regina chuckled as Robyn came up behind her wiggling his tits,“Its BYOB: bring your own boobs here!”

Emma laughed and felt like maybe she hadn’t totally screwed whatever this was with Regina up. 

Emma laughed even more when Robyn grabbed a sharpie and motioned to his fake breasts. “Which one?” she laughed.

“Both honey,” was the simple reply. 

Regina simply rolled her eyes. Before she knew it Emma was helping her peel her eyebrows off and they were talking about how her hair was naturally lighter and curly. Emma decided that she needed to see that some day but realised probably a bit too late that Regina needed her privacy so she went to leave the backroom.

As she watched Emma leave, Regina knew she was in trouble. Even drunk off her ass Emma was sweet in a way few people were anymore. She was real. She saw the truths you’d rather hide. She’s afraid yet confident. All of that is terrifying but Regina finds herself thinking that maybe sharing her pain with someone like Emma wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Either that or they’ll both go down in flames.


	2. Tell me somethin' girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma sings for Regina. Regina punches someone for Emma. Emma realises how talented Regina is. 
> 
> Also a few authors things: I live in England and have never visited the US so sorry if my geography is off.

Regina hadn’t known what she was expecting when she finally left the dressing room, taking longer than was strictly necessary, Emma asleep on the bar maybe? Or sat cockily by the bar, another whiskey in her hand? Either way she was not expecting Emma to be on the stage, strumming her guitar, singing a song Regina had never heard before. Dear god that woman looked unfairly sexy in a simple flannel shirt and the tightest jeans Regina thought she’d ever seen. Her wavy, blonde hair cascaded down her back, the gold highlights sparkling when they caught the light as her shoulders moved, her fingers dancing effortlessly across the guitar.   
The site of her wasn’t was flawed her, what flawed her was the way that even as Regina hung back behind the curtains to the side of the stage, Emma noticed her. Granted there weren’t many other people still lingering in the closing bar, but in that moment Regina knew the song was for her. Regina couldn’t move, partly due to fear, she’d fallen hard in a matter of hours, and she was under no illusions that anything with Emma would be easy. Partly because even if she’d wanted to move she found herself stilled by the music. It seemed that tonight would be a night for taking leaps. 

For both of them. 

///

Emma heard the owner of the bar, ‘Ursula’ she recalled, say she didn’t need to give into another of Robin’s requests, this one was mercifully to sing. Emma had sobered up slightly in the past 45 minutes or so, and found the only boobs she wanted to think of were Regina’s. Emma was happy to oblige and went to the stage, impressed with Robin’s guitar, it definitely wasn’t a cheap model and you could tell it was his pride and joy. She hesitated slightly, song choice was always important, no matter how big or small the crowd, then she warmed herself up and started to play. It was a new song but one she knew was perfect for how tonight was unfolding. 

Maybe it's time to let the old ways die  
Maybe it's time to let the old ways die  
It takes a lot to change a woman  
Hell, it takes a lot to try  
Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

That’s when Emma noticed Regina peering through the curtains, her brunette hair was down now and Emma found herself even hotter with her bangs loosely framing her face. She allowed a smile to grace her lips, before carrying on in earnest. Emma owned up to totally sucking at a lot of things in her life, but singing and playing the guitar were two things she could do well. 

Nobody knows what awaits for the dead  
Nobody knows what awaits for the dead  
Some folks just believe in the things they've heard  
And the things they read

Nobody knows what awaits for the dead  
I'm glad I can't go back to where I came from  
I'm glad those days are gone, gone for good  
But if I could take spirits from my past and bring 'em here  
You know I would, you know I would

The song ended before either of them were really ready for it, and there was a moment when both were silent not really knowing what to say. Emma attempted to break the awkwardness by ordering a drink, and it was that moment when she realised, yet again, that she still wasn’t in full control of all her faculties. Regina found herself not caring, rather she was grateful for the extra few moments it gave her to compose herself. She had so many questions; who had Emma lost? When? Did Regina really mean that much to Emma already? Was she expected to return the brutal honesty? 

It seemed like Emma would be the braver of the two, or perhaps just had a little more help in the form of liquid courage. 

“Can I ask you a personal question?” Emma’s voice broke through her thoughts.

Regina ducked her head shyly, brushing her hair behind her ear. She knew she had to say yes, but she wasn’t ready to reveal all her scars yet. 

Emma reached forward and gently brushed her arm, and guided her head so Regina was looking at her. She didn’t say anything more but her piercing green eyes grew softer, and full of understanding. She wasn’t going to pressure Regina, or make her uncomfortable, it was just curiosity. That realisation caused Regina to nod. 

“Do you write? Do you sing your own songs?” Emma asked softly. 

Regina let out a soft chuckle, Emma had surprised her for what must have been the hundredth time that night, and Regina was finding she really liked Emma’s surprises. 

“I write, but I don’t sing my own songs,” she replied smiling. 

“Why? Your voice is incredible. I know your songs will be too, you shouldn’t resign yourself to covers, no matter how well you cover them.” Emma said indignantly. 

Suddenly, for the first time that night that Regina felt like maybe Emma didn’t understand her after all; maybe Emma really had taken fame to her head. 

“Because it’s not that easy. Or not for me anyway. I love singing. I love song writing but when you grow up and you hear enough people say, ‘Oh you’re good but you’re too skinny, you’re too stuck up, you could be a hit if you weren’t a latina bitch, or your songs are good but your nose is too big’, you stop trying. Here,” she shrugged her shoulders, gesturing around her, “at Roni’s I can just be me.” She smiled softly, self-consciously tucking a stray hair behind her ear.  
“Even on that stage when I’m in costume, I can still be me. If the cost of me being true to myself is singing in a drag bar in New York, surrounded by my second family, then it’s a cost I’ll gladly pay.” 

Emma knew there were a million things she should unravel and pick up on from Regina’s reply; the racism that evidently still persisted throughout. Racism, the ridiculous notions of perfection placed upon women’s bodies, but her mouth was working faster than her brain and she had little control of what came out. 

“ ‘Your nose is too big’? Well that’s bullshit,” she huffed and then slammed her head on the bar because; really? That’s what she went with? Well she’d definitely fucked up the prospect of seeing Regina again now. 

Regina snorted with laughter. Of course Emma would say something like that, and despite herself Regina found herself turning so Emma could see her side profile and traced her nose, trying desperately to compose herself and not smile. Emma reached out and traced it also, and there was a moment, before they dissolved into a fit of giggles, where both realised this was far more intimate than either of them intended. 

Emma took Regina gently by the shoulders and turned her back around so they were facing each other again.

“Listen Regina, whatever happens after tonight, promise me you’ll take what I’m about to say to heart.”

Regina nodded. She thought she’d probably agree to anything Emma asked of her at that moment. 

“Talent is everywhere. Everyone has something they are talented at. Talent isn’t what is important in this life; having something to say is. You... you are so incredibly beautiful and talented, but you also have something to say. I know you do. It's obvious when you know where to look. Every second you are taking everything in, you’re constantly learning, treasuring every second. You see the world, not in rose tinted pink, but in every glorious color. Every detail, every emotion. You feel it in your whole soul.” Emma paused to compose herself and looked into Regina’s dark, curious eyes, hoping to god that she was expressing the sincerity that she felt.

“That,” she continued, “that is special and so very rare. So whatever happens, never lose that. Never be afraid to speak. This world is harsh. It’s cruel. Having something worthwhile to say, no matter how small, and sharing it with other people, makes living in it, that bit more bearable.” 

Regina was not going to cry, but she found herself taking a deep breath before hugging Emma. 

Emma smiled, beamed before chuckling to herself; “I knew I could get through to you Regina.” 

Regina laughed, “You did. I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I mean, I’m sitting in a drag bar with a very drunk Miss Emma Swan, giving me surprisingly good advice.” 

Damn, Regina cursing was hotter than it should be. 

“That’s another thing about being famous,” Emma sighed. “Everyone always addresses you by your full name. I haven’t had many people call me ‘Miss’ though.” 

Regina pursed her lips; “Well what is it then?”

“Just ‘Emma’, and what do I call you? ‘Your majesty’?” she teased.

“‘Regina’ will do,” Regina replied with a shy smile. 

Just when Regina thought the night couldn’t get any more ludicrous, Emma’s song began to play. “When did you get to the fucking jukebox?” she asked incredulously.

Emma had not even noticed that her song was playing and she definitely didn’t request it. “Whenever I hear that song, any of my songs to be honest, I want to turn it the fuck off.” 

Regina seemed surprised at that but before she could question Emma further, a group of people approached them. 

“I know, I know we’re not supposed to do this and we’re supposed to just leave you to your night and whatever, but can I just take a picture for my ex- girlfriend?” The obnoxious twat carried on talking, pushing his way into Emma’s space, grabbing her around the waist and thrusting his phone in her face. Emma fought her instincts and remained composed but Regina was having none of it and launched towards him with her right fist aimed squarely towards his jaw.

The moment Regina’s delicate fist collided with the jerks rugged jaw, Emma was sure that someday, she was gonna marry that woman. She also took a mental note to make sure she never pissed her off. 

Right now though they needed to exit the bar quickly, and find some ice for that hand. Emma through an apology towards Ursula, the owner, as she ushered Regina out of the club before the big oaf came round and realised what had happened.

If Regina had known Emma was going to be this embarrassing she’d have let the idiot take a goddamn photo. Still it was almost endearing how much Emma wanted to take care of her. 

Deciding it was best not to protest, Regina diligently took the bag of frozen peas and placed it over her rapidly swelling hand. Emma was still roaming the store looking for something else...and apparently it was cheetos  
.   
“You like cheetos?” Regina found herself asking. 

Emma’s eyebrows knitted in mock confusion. “Everyone likes cheetos. No one likes the cheeto, but everyone likes cheetos,” was Emma’s reply. “I’m looking for the meshy stuff.” 

“Gauze?”

Emma grabbed the peas, interrupting the cashier to scan them herself quickly, before placing them back on Regina’s hand and instructing her to keep hold. The part of Regina that was swooning over how Emma insisted on looking after her was managing to pacify her desire to run away; it wasn’t like her. She felt like she was dancing on air, so much so that she almost didn’t notice the cashier trying to sneak a picture of them. Emma’s arm was firmly around her waist, guiding her out of the store before Regina could wrangle her limbs into any kind of physical reaction; no-one else needed to get punched tonight.

It didn’t stop her exclaiming that it really wasn’t alright to just take photos of unsuspecting people without their permission. The truth was that Emma agreed with Regina, but unfortunately part of being a celebrity was putting up with random people taking photos of you when you made a late night dash to the grocery store. 

They ran as far as the car park, where the laughter of the night segwayed into a deeper conversation. Neither woman was the type to tell their life story on the first date (not that either would define this evening as a date), but Regina had learnt that Emma had a somewhat troubled and lonely childhood, and originally hailed from Arizona. Likewise, Emma learned that Regina had also suffered terrible loss, and although she’d always called New York home, she dreamed of living in a quiet secluded town in the middle of New England someday. New York was great, but sometimes the constant honking of horns, the streams of headlights and the general rush was overwhelming. 

All of a sudden it started to become too much. Being here with Emma was overwhelming. Beautiful. Scary. Perfect. She found herself aching to know Emma. She wished that Emma would truly let her see behind the walls, let her in, even just a little. So she asked in the only way she knew how, in a song. 

Tell me something love,   
Aren’t you tired, trying to fill that void  
Or do you need more  
Ain’t it hard trying to keep it so hardcore

Emma was mesmerised. She knew Regina could sing, she’d heard her. She’d also suspected she’d be a good songwriter but she didn’t expect her to be able to capture her soul with a simple verse. A lot of people knew Emma Swan, the singer, it was part of the curse when you become famous, but very few knew and understood Emma, the woman. The lost little girl still trying to find her place in this fucked up world. Regina had clearly seen behind the mask, and it made Emma shiver. It was too much, too soon, and yet she couldn’t shake the ache deep within her, wanting more. 

When Regina finished, she couldn’t bring herself to look directly at Emma; she’d revealed too much. 

“Holy shit,” Emma exclaimed, “did you just write that for me?” 

Regina nodded. 

“Regina, I think you might be a songwriter. Don’t worry though I won’t tell anyone.”   
Emma believed in her and that meant more than Regina could ever say. She was unnerved by the giggling suddenly coming from Emma. 

Seeing Regina’s fear Emma tried to compose herself and assured Regina she wasn’t laughing at her; “I’m sorry it’s just, I am terrible at keeping secrets, a trait I apparently inherited from my mother.” 

Neither of them really wanted the night to end, but unfortunately it had to at some point. Before either of them fully realised, the cab was pulling up in front of Regina’s home. Emma looked at her companion, and Regina looked back. Their eyes met and Emma smiled; this girl before her was like no-one she’d ever met.

“I’ve got a gig tonight. If you, um, wanted to come...” Emma asked, the words tumbling out of her mouth in a nervous plea to see Regina again.

Regina was torn. She never really expected it to go further than one crazy emotional, slightly drunken night. Part of her wanted to never leave Emma’s side. Part of her knew that someday, she’d end on her own, feeling like a fool. Most of all though she needed sleep, so her eyes filling with regret, she looked at Emma and apologised:

“I can’t. I gotta go to bed, and then to work, and then sleep some more. I’m shattered.” 

“But who’s going to look after your hand if I’m not there?”

Regina smiled, because even after only hours in her company, she knew that was such a typical Emma thing to say. 

“I can look after myself,” she sassed, gathering her things and climbing out of the cab.

God! 

Emma was pretty sure she’d do anything if it meant she could see Regina smile like that, just one more time. 

Regina walked to her door, and if someone suggested she had walked slower, giving Emma just a second more to say something else to persaud her, she would deny it.. 

“Hey!” Emma called. 

Regina’s breath caught and she stilled. She calmed the grin that had crept onto her lips, and turned back, her eyebrows raised. 

Emma was hanging out the cab window, smirking at her. “I just wanted to take one more look at you.” 

Regina breathed out a laugh and shook her head. She knew this woman was going to be the end of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading


	3. Shallow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina has quite an ardent dislike for smoking in this chapter, that is because of her past- some of which you will find out this chapter, but most of which you will find out further on in the story. Her reaction is based on that past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen to Shallow (if unlike me you’ve stopped listening to it on repeat). 
> 
> Oh and yeah things to start to get a little more complicated between our two favourite lovebirds...

he second Regina walked through the front door, the serene near perfect world she’d been in with Emma just moments ago, was shattered. 

The house was a cacophony of noises and smells. There were objects and junk sprawled across the floor everywhere. If there was one thing Regina hated more than anything else, it was an untidy house. Regina hated mess. She was someone who strived for order. She liked things to have a place. She liked to have a plan. So with the spontaneity of the night and the state of the house, she could feel her chest tighten. 

Breathe. 

She just needed to breathe, something that was a lot easier said than done.

She stumbled upstairs, longing to reach the familiarity and comfort of her childhood bedroom, when her mother ambushed her from the kitchen. 

“Miha, where have you been?” She asked. “You don’t even look like you know where you’re walking.” 

Regina would have argued, if she wasn’t so shattered and her mother didn’t have a point. But it was late, or rather early and she had to work in a few hours. She mumbled something incoherent and tried to continue her ascent of the stairs. Her mother was insistent though and pulled her into the kitchen, showing her off to her friends and asking if she was happy. Regina smiled and waved politely, it was better that way. Her mother was one of those people that believed you could hide everything behind a smile and a mask, and had taught her well. The irony was that the more her mother had attempted to do this over the years, the more that mask had worn away. It also helped that for the first time since she’d lost her father, she genuinely felt like maybe she could be happy again. 

Her daydream was dampened by her mother’s intruding voice; “That’s the thing about the music industry: you can have the voice of an angel but if you don’t look the right way then you’re nothing.” Regina sighed. That was the thing with her mother’s praise: it was always a bit backhanded. She knew it wasn’t malicious, but sometimes she longed for that unadulterated, unmeasured praise that other children seemed to get. 

As she was downstairs, and mother would think it rude if she left straight away, Regina began to tidy up. How a game of bridge caused this much mess she would never know. 

It was then she saw the ashtray and the half smoked cigarette her mother had clearly discarded a few moments before. 

“Mother” she screamed

“Yes dear” her mother replied as she came sauntering into the kitchen.

“I thought you’d quit. You’d promised me you had quit” 

Cora had the decency to look the least bit ashamed. “I know darling and I did stop. I just needed it today”

Regina knew it was her mother's choice, but she also couldn’t face losing her mother too. She simply threw the cigarette away and left the matter. If she spoke she feared she would lose her temper or cry. 

She goes upstairs and throws her pillow against the wall, rips the posters of Emma off her bedroom wall because yes she may be approaching thirty but apparently she still acts like a teenager when she’s angry and frustrated. She’d had a fabulous night, a magical night, a night where for once she could just be Regina. Regina that little girl who didn’t belong; because she was the only latina in her school, because she could speak more than one language, because she was gay. Those things didn’t matter in music. Well they did if you wanted to make it anywhere. But it didn’t matter when you closed your eyes and just sang. For a minute she dared to dream tonight. Then she came home and whatever illusion was shattered. Her mother was fucking drunk and entertaining her friends. The friends that weren’t there when her mother was facing the racial abuse for being married to a Puerto Rican. The friends that weren’t there when her father was fucking dying. Regina understood why her mother did it, why she smoked- it was something her father had done until she’d demanded he stopped- of course it was too little too late. It reminded her mother of him. The drink helped her forget. Helped her stop seeing the shadow of Henry all around. So Regina understood her mother, but she didn’t like it because she’d lost her father. The strongest man she’d ever known was encouraging her to sing and to pursue a career and then he was wasting away to nothing in a hospital room. She stopped singing for a while after that, it hurt too much. Then one day, after a bottle of wine too many, she got up grabbed her guitar and her notebook and started strumming a tune. That was the song she’d sang to Emma last night. Why she still wasn’t sure. 

SQ

Emma was in a foul mood she always was after she’d had her ears tested. She refused to be defined by what she couldn’t do. 

Regina had made things more bearable. For a night she was just Emma Swan and it had felt so good. Calm. She needed to see her again and she told, rather shouted that to David. 

///

Suddenly there was a knock at the door, she opened it, already late for work. It’s Emma’s driver and she feels terrible she doesn’t remember his name. “Um Hi” 

“Hi, Emma told me that there’s a gig upstate later and she wanted you to come.”

“I can’t. I have to work. Tell Emma I’m sorry, I had a great time but it was a one night thing” she smiles apologetically as she shuts the door, running to get her jacket. 

She hadn’t realised her mother was behind her behind her until she heard her asking “What are you doing? Does she know you sings” 

Regina sighed she really needed to go to work and could do without her mothers questions and interrogation. She was, however, somewhat surprised that her mother seemed so ok with the idea but wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. She hugged her mother before running down the road to work. 

SQ

David needed to shut up. She knew he meant well. She knew he was just being the protective big brother and Emma did appreciate it, even if she didn’t show it all that often. It’s just he wasn’t telling her anything she didn’t know. She knew her hearing wasn’t coming back. She’d known since she’d been diagnosed with the stupid condition. She knew she should wear the inner ear monitors, but they made the sound distorted, particularly when she was playing. She hated not being able to hear the audience. She knew it would mean that at some point she would have to stop performing and honestly that hurt, but she would cross that bridge when she came to it. So she smiled, and threw the ear monitors back at David and went onto the stage, waving to the now screaming crowd. 

///

Before she was ready for it, it was time to go to work and it was only when she walked into that god awful hotel basement that Regina realised how much she hated this job. They were late and Leroy was predictably furious about it. 

“If you don’t want to be here, then the door’s open. Leave.” 

Regina looks at her friend and smiles, not quite believing she’s going to do this. Fuck it. Fuck Everything. She’s going to go to Emma and be spontaneous. Oh god this is such a terrible idea, but it's too late now. 

She runs and jumps, screams and laughs because if she doesn’t she’ll cry and she has to hope that this will somehow work out. 

When they run into the parking lot and she sees, a now familiar, black sedan she thinks that maybe this is one of the few times in life when the stars align and give you a chance. She asks the driver his name, Will, thanks him and apologises for being such a pain in the arse. Will assures her that it’s nothing compared to dealing with Emma and to just sit back and enjoy the free booze. Which her and Mal do and god she could get used to this. 

When they arrive at a small airfield and sees a jet Regina feels like she might faint. Mal won’t let her do that though because she’s pulling her towards the plane. “Regina this is incredible. You need to date more rockstars. Or keep dating Emma.” 

Regina tries to swat her, but she’s consumed god knows how much prosecco so her coordination is not what it usually is, and she kind of likes the idea of her and Emma dating. 

They get to the gig and are thrown passes and given so much information, none of which she truly processes- just smiles and nods graciously. They make it backstage and Regina feels all kinds of emotions- emotions she’s not entirely sure what to do with. She can freak out later. Now she is going to watch Emma in her element, and enjoy the view of her ass in those jeans.

Emma gets lost in alibi and doesn’t see Regina until she finishes. She knows she’s there though, and that should scare her because Emma doesn’t feel like this. About anyone. Ever. 

She smiles and Regina knows that smile is trouble. She knows it and she finds she doesn’t care. 

Emma looks back to the crowd and it’s only when Mal pushes her towards Emma and all the millions of people that Regina realises what Emma just said. Emma wants her to sing. To sing her song. Together. In front of everyone. Ok she’s changed her mind, she hates Emma, hates that smile, hates that she is actually considering doing this.

She shakes her head because though part of her does want to, she can’t. She just can’t. Emma’s going to sing it anyway and she doesn’t mind- truly doesn’t because Emma is exceptionally talented and will sing it brilliantly. It’s just its their song. So they should sing it together. 

She steps out and reaches for Emma and as soon as their hands meet she knows she’s safe. Knows she can do this. 

The first few chords are terrifying, and she honestly thinks she might puke. She doesn’t. Emma starts singing and it’s like they are sat on the parking lot and no one else matters. 

Tell me somethin', love  
Are you happy in this modern world?  
Or do you need more?  
Is there somethin' else you're searchin' for?

I'm fallin'  
In all the good times  
I find myself longing for change  
And in the bad times, I fear myself

Tell me something, love  
Aren't you tired tryin' to fill that void?  
Or do you need more?  
Ain't it hard keepin' it so hardcore?

I'm falling  
In all the good times  
I find myself longing for change  
And, in the bad times, I fear myself

I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in  
I'll never meet the ground  
Crash through the surface where they can't hurt us  
We're far from the shallow now 

The song ends and they find themselves losing themselves in the moment. They’re high off the energy of the song. It was good, amazing, their voices just fit. 

They’re close. So close. Regina’s sure she can hear Emma’s heart beat. Or maybe it's hers. 

She wants to kiss her. God she wants to grab that henley and rip it off her ridiculously toned body. 

Emma has performed for years and nothing compares to what she feels now. She’s ecstatic. The energy was different. For the first time in a while she believes every word she sang. That complicates things though because she wants to wrap her arms around Regina and pull her close. She also knows that she wants more than a night with Regina so forces herself to be good. For now. 

///

Regina knew the crowd was big, knew that Emma was popular. She’d been on that stage and heard the screams. Heard the crowd sing back to them, and even though it was predominantly tuneless screams, slightly out of time it was incredible to experience. If she wasn’t ready for that then nothing could have prepared her for their walk to the tour bus. Fans swarmed around them, and despite security’s best attempts it was impossible to move without a pen and or phone being shoved in their faces. Emma seemed to take it all in her stride. Smiling for as many selfies as possible and signing autographs as she walked. Regina kept her head down, she never liked crowds and hoped that they would reach some kind of privacy soon because this was rapidly becoming too much. 

Unfortunately the tour bus did not offer the relief she’d hoped for as there were more people, at least this time it was predominantly members of Emma’s team, and copious amounts of alcohol. She couldn’t do this. For the second time in less than twenty four hours it took everything in her to remember how to breathe. 

Luckily Emma noticed that it was a little overwhelming and pulled her to a quieter corner of the bus and placed a bottle of water and a bottle of wine in front of her. She took a minute to get her breathing under control, took a swig of water before breaking open the wine. 

///

Emma knew that was one of her best performances in a while, but the only thing that really mattered was that she got to share the stage with Regina. 

The bubble that they’d both been in popped when they walked off stage and into the swarm of waiting fans. Emma adored them - god knows she’d be nobody without them, but for once she just wished they’d give her, and Regina some space. 

The bus wasn’t much difference but Emma knew the quieter places and pulled Regina into one of them- allowing her to take a minute to calm down, and for Emma to admire how stunning she was. 

///

Neither of them know how long it takes them to get to the hotel and neither of them cares, they’d spent most of the ride talking about nothing and everything, the little things that seem to mean so much. 

Regina’s favourite colour is black- it’s her colour. Which Emma doesn’t disagree with but points out that no one own’s a colour because she can. Emma’s favourite colour is yellow- it’s soothing and happy. 

Regina loves horses, but hasn’t had a chance to ride in ages- life in the city doesn’t really lend itself to picturesque trails. Emma’s scared of horses- finds them hard to read but makes a mental note to take Regina horse riding soon. Her favourite animals are giraffes for no real reason other than she likes them. 

///

It’s only as they’re walking down the corridor to the hotel room, and Emma’s cursing trying to find that damn key card, that the nerves return. Neither of them are sober, Emma’s pissed, and Regina knows that there are feelings on both sides. Feelings she desperately wants to act upon, but she’s also a hopeless romantic at heart and she wants it to be special, not clouded in a drunken haze that they’ll both barely remember. 

Emma has now found the key card and looks at Regina with love and lust and yearning and all Regina can think is how unbelievably beautiful she is. 

Emma wastes no time in reaching for Regina and pulling her closer, and their bodies just fit perfectly together, their lips meet and for a second both of them battle for control, the hunger, desire over the past 48 hours overflowing. It’s rushed and a little sloppy but Regina doesn’t give a shit. Emma Swan is kissing her and it’s amazing. She wants more, needs more, but for some reason her brain will just not switch off today and she’s aware she’s been in the clothes for hours and is acutely aware she probably stinks, she promises Emma she’ll be quick and she will- just a splash of water a quick mirror pep talk and then back to making out with Emma and discovering just how delicious she tastes. Or it would be quick if she could find the damn bathroom. 

She finds the bathroom, and is- just like she promised herself and Emma quick, it seems that even that momentary pause was too much for Emma, as she finds her passed out on the sofa. Regina’s horny and wet and fuck it what are friends for if not to talk to when you’re wound up and desperate. Mal of course finds it hilarious and is absolutely no help whatsoever, saying she should just shake her tits and wake Emma up, and yes she’s desperate but Emma is clearly very drunk and she thinks that maybe rubbing her tits in her face is perhaps a bit too much- she’d like to think she was more refined than that. Doesn’t mean she can’t pleasure herself and tease Emma about it tomorrow. 

She returns to the room with the intention of doing just that, only to find David carrying Emma to the bed. 

“Do you think maybe she drinks too much?” It’s a rhetorical question and one they both know the answer to, but the whole situation is definitely a mood killer. More than that it hurts her to see Emma like this. Completely wasted. If only she realised how talented, and how beautiful she was. 

David continues and Regina can’t work out if he’s trying to make conversation (not a very pleasant one) or if this is some kind of masked I’m her brother and my job is to protect her so if you don’t like it leave speech when he says “Sweetie you have no idea.'' She sees the sadness and anger in his eyes and wants to reassure him, but she’s not the one that can help him or make it better- only Emma can. He smiles slightly and Regina gets a glimpse of the charming man she expects he was in high school 

“She’s never bought a girl on stage before and it’s been a long time since she played like that” are his next words and it's her turn to smile, it’s good to know that she does really mean something to Emma and that maybe whatever this is won’t crash and burn. 

David bids goodnight and Regina crawls into bed, falling asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.


	4. Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ladies take their relationship to the next step and Regina offers Emma an ultimatum

Emma wakes up and is disoriented for a moment before realising she is in a hotel. It takes her another minute to realise Regina is sleeping next to her. 

Shit. She passed out. After making out with Regina. Well at least she was continuing her utterly embarrassing things to do when it comes to Regina streak. She vows to make it up to her and apologise, to slow down slightly next time because Regina is special and she wants to treasure her. 

She’s unbelievably hot, even with yesterday's mascara now smudged and her hair slightly tousled from falling asleep. 

She leans gently to caress Regina’s neck with soft, featherlight kisses, it doesn’t take long for Regina to stir, turning toward her and pulling Emma on top of her, it's a tangle of limbs, while they both hurry to rid themselves of clothes. 

God she’s gorgeous. Emma doesn’t know where to start, but decides to join their lips together once more. Soon Regina is grabbing Emma’s hair and pushing her towards her boobs and Emma swears she’s never seen more perfect boobs in her entire life, they’re perky and small enough to fit in her palm. She massages them gently before popping a nipple into her mouth, and sucks it hungrily. Regina moans and its breathy, making Emma’s core throb. Regina’s demanding- which shouldn’t surprise Emma but somehow does and it seems Emma is taking too long if her gasps of “more, harder and for god's sake miss swan we do not have all day” are anything to by. Emma laughs, muttering patience is a virtue, babe (an endearment she knows Regina hates) before obliging and moving lower. 

Regina is wet, soaked and maybe she shouldn’t have teased her so much, her finger finds Regina’s clit and she rubs it slowly but deliberately. Regina screams because she is close, but not close enough. She bucks her hips, hoping that finally Emma gets the message and stops teasing her. She needs to cum, soon, very soon. Emma brings her tongue to the folds and if Regina looks gorgeous she tastes like heaven, giving up any pretence of teasing Emma swirls her tongue and can feel Regina’s walls clench- she’s close, really close, she rubs her clit a bit harder and it takes seconds for Regina to cum. Regina feels many things in the moment the orgasm takes over her but the overwhelming thought is that is the best sex she’s ever had and its only fair she returns the favour. 

She smiles and rolls them both over so she’s on top, they both take a moment to enjoy the post orgasm bliss and the beauty of each other. It feels like she’s been waiting for this moment for years, that there’s been a sexual tension that’s always been barely hidden under the surface which people, especially them refused to realise. There hasn’t. They only met each other 72 hours ago and that should be frightening but it isn’t and quite frankly she’ll leave the queer baiting to old white men who speak of acceptance and inclusivity but still insist that the girl becomes an inspid shadow of themselves once they meet the dashing but doe eyed pirate. 

So yes it's been 72 hours but as Emma’s discovered patience is not a virtue Regina possesses. She moves her way down the body, a trail of kisses leading down to where she wants to be. She squeezes Emma’s ass because it looks incredible in those painted on jeans she wears everywhere but out of them- well there are no words. She moves toward her pussy and it is not a surprise that its dripping, she smirked evilly and Emma is sure she’s going to tease her like she did so sucks in a breath. The breath turns into a moan as Regina inserts a finger, and then a second. That’s when the teasing starts, Regina moves her fingers at a glacial pace and it is driving Emma insane, it’s not enough for either of them but it does give Regina chance to rectify the fact that she’s yet to pay attention to Emma’s glorious tits. Emma growls and they’re both aware that at some point they should probably get up so Regina’s mouth finds Emma’s clit and nips it gently- it’s a gamble Emma might hate it. It pays off because Emma moans and with a few more swirls of her tongue around her folds- the taste of Emma is something she wants forever, Emma lets the orgasm take over. 

They spend a few more minutes soaking in the afterglow, both wondering if it’s possible to lock the door and spend the whole day exploring each other's body more. They can’t.   
They order breakfast to the room because they can and because the breakfast room is a long way (a whole flight of stairs or a 30 second elevator ride) and there’s too many people they don’t really want to see. 

There’s something on Emma’s mind, Regina can tell and for probably the millionth time in two days she’s startled at how alike they are. She wants to say something, anything but there is part of her, the anxiety riddled part of her being that once again stops her. She’s a big girl, she can and has taken rejection before, she’d just not quite sure she can take it from Emma, not after this morning. 

Thankfully Emma opens up on her own, nervously picking at her croissant as she does: 

“One time I was playing, in my own little world and David comes in to look after my dad who was sick and I swear to god he looks at me like I’m special or something.” 

Emma laughs nervously and quickly dismisses what she’s just said with a “I don’t know why I just told you that, it’s embarrassing” 

Regina is quick to disagree. 

“It’s not embarrassing, it’s sweet and you are special. So very special. I look at you and I see someone who has been hurt, more times than I will ever know. Someone that has lost people they loved. Someone who has demons- some of which you’ve overcome, some of which you’re still fighting all of which makes you special. You have so much to say, I think sometimes you’re just afraid to say it. Scared of the truth. I’m going to help you see how wonderful you are, just like you’ve helped me” 

Emma gives her a watery smile and if this were a rom com it would be the moment when they tumble back into a bed whispers of I love you echoing around the room. It’s not and they’re not ready for those three words. Not yet. 

Cora knows she can come across as a bitch. She knows that the high expectations she sets may seem unachievable and yes perhaps she’s put too much pressure on Regina in the past but she does it because she cares. She cares and she knows Regina has an unbelievable talent. She also knows how cruel the world is, society moves on in so many ways but the ugly parts still remain. There’s still an expectation to look a certain way, to behave a certain way. She didn’t believe in rose tinted glasses or lying to her daughter- it would only make the world more hurtful. So yes she was demanding, and may have said some things she shouldn’t in the past but she loved Regina with all her heart and only ever wanted her to succeed. 

Watching the video of her performing made her incredibly emotional and proud. Her little girl was where she was always destined to be- on stage, performing. She wasn’t going to lie she had some doubts about this Emma girl, she knew of her issues with alcohol but the video appeased those somewhat because one thing was clear. On that stage, the only thing that mattered was each other and the music. No one would be good enough for her little girl, but Emma well Emma may just be the closest thing to it if she kept Regina smiling like that. 

//

They decided to abandon the rest of their breakfast for the favour of a different kind of goodbye, one where they spent time committing every freckle, every scar, every inch of their bodies to memory. 

///

Regina doesn’t know what to feel when the cab pulls up outside her home. She wants to see her mom, their relationship is complicated- sure, but they love each other deeply and their family. It counts for a lot and this is one of those times where she wants to be the little girl who’s done well in a project and her mom congratulates her again. She also finds herself tempted to ask the cab to turn around and take her back to Emma because she misses her in a way she didn’t know she could. 

Her decision is made when the cab driver asks her if she’s getting out- he’s got another job, god he must think her pathetic, Regina pays, steps out the cab before turning around and apologises- she’s distracted, the driver smiles simply says he hopes it works out and drives off. 

Her mom hollers her as soon as she stepped through the door- tells her to come to the lounge, Regina finds her watching a video from last night on youtube. 

She laughs when her mom points out the views, laughs and then chokes because holy shit how many people have watched it. Her mom must sense her slight panic because she says

“500 of those are mine. I’m 500 of those people” 

Regina knows it's an exaggeration and also a distinct her possibility. Cora Mills is someone who would watch something 500 times to inflate the figures. 

She thought she’d hate watching herself but she finds it oddly fascinating and snuggles next to her mom to watch it again. 

Cora kisses her forehead and tells her how proud she is of her. Emotion seems to overcome her but she reigns the tears in, just as she says, “I just wish your Dad was here to see you shine. He’s here though (she motions to her heart), giving you the strength and love you need to do this. He would be so so proud Regina” 

The tears flow from both of them, they always do when the loss of Henry is mentioned. It’s been a year and the days no longer drag, the anger that’s he’s gone- subsided, the sadness and the overwhelming sense of incompleteness, emptiness still prevails. He should be here. He’s not. 

///

Regina is exhausted, mentally, emotionally, physically and after making sure her mom is ok she excuses herself to go upstairs and sleep. 

Her room is, and always has been her sanctuary. 

It’s where she’d first planned her tour- at the age of 4. Defacing an atlas with a crayola. Singing to the mirror, pretending it was a camera. 

It’s where she’d had her first kiss, a girl in her class named Tink. They’d bonded over their parents awful choice in names and while Regina was a bit of a pessimist, Tink had boundless optimism and believed in faith and hope and pixie dust. It was sweet but somewhat underwhelming and they’d decided to remain good friends rather than anything else. 

It was where she’d come after her father had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. She’d screamed, punched a pillow- wishing, not for the first or last time that she had a punching bag, cried until there were no more tears. She’d sworn, every expleitive she should think of because it wasn’t fucking fair. There were people like the orange dick head that somehow got away with everything and her dad- the strongest, smartest person she’d known was going to be taken from her. Life was shit. Her father had knocked on the door the next morning and held her, rubbing her back until the tears once again stopped. 

“Miha, my darling Regina, we only get one life and mine may be shorter than I’d like, but it gave me you and for that I will be eternally grateful. You are all I need, all I wanted. I’m sorry I will bring you pain, it’s a burden I wish I could spare you, but life does not work that way. Promise me this, Love wherever, whenever and however you can. We cannot stop sadness or grief, but love, love helps us overcome it.” 

Her room is her sanctuary, her special place but in this moment, overcome by memories good and bad it’s never felt so small. 

She curls up and pulls the covers over her, willing sleep to come- and take this nostalgic mood with it. 

She’s woken when she feels someone move her bangs out of her eyes, opening her eyes slowly she thinks she must be dreaming when she sees Emma’s face. Emma can’t be here. She has a show. A tour. She is, wearing those criminal jeans and that hideous leather jacket. Good god she’s going to burn that leather jacket one day (she won’t because as tacky as it is it also makes Emma look hot). She sits up and their foreheads touch, Regina needs to make a decision because if she kisses Emma like she longs to then she knows that’s it, there’s no going back. She doesn’t want to go back, she’s scared of a lot of things, but she remembers her father's words once again- Love while you can and decides even if this ends in pain and heartbreak it's worth it for moments like this. 

They kiss, and it’s different to this morning. This morning they were hungry, now it’s a grounding for both of them. They’re here now and this is true. 

Regina pulls away because she needs to say it- needs to give Emma a chance to back out too. 

“I I don’t feel the same way about everybody” She hates how weak her voice sounds. 

Emma either doesn’t notice and doesn’t care, replies with a “Good we’re on the same page. Sing with me” 

Regina hates Emma and hates herself because this is a moment, a very gay, very ‘this is where we just admit we like like each other’ moment and both of them are idiots and acting like it means nothing. 

“Where” 

Emma smiles “First stop- Arizona”

Regina nods, before excusing herself for a shower, ignoring Emma’s do you want any help?, but if she sashays her hips slightly more than she usually would well that would be telling wouldn’t it. 

She also offers an ultimatum because she loves Emma (even if she’s afraid to say it) and she also quite likes the idea of living a little longer “I’m not getting on that thing when you’ve been drinking” 

Emma assures her that she’s not even thought of drinking or anything else. 

It’s sweet, another moment, but Regina can’t help but wonder how long Emma’s sobriety will last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are we still enjoying it?!


	5. Nobody said it was easy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A long but emotional one. Remember when I said it wouldn’t be an easy ride….
> 
> Alcohol misuse comes up in this chapter. If this is a trigger for you please do not read- message me and I will give you the gist of the chapter. From here on out this does become a much more prevalent theme of the story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long and emotional one. 
> 
> A delve into Emma's mind. 
> 
> Alcohol misuse comes up in this chapter. If this is a trigger for you please do not read- message me and I will give you the gist of the chapter. From here on out this does become a much more prevalent theme of the story

Regina is amazed the hideous yellow tin can made it to Arizona, but Emma had assured her that the bug and seen her through many journeys and would take her on many more. It strikes Regina as odd that Emma seems to be sentimental about very few things apart from her bug and jacket. Everyone has their armour she guesses and it’s not her place to question it, and the bug wasn’t as uncomfortable as it had first seemed. Not that she’d ever tell Emma that. She’d never hear the end of it. 

They find themselves in a slightly ropy diner and Regina isn’t at all surprised when Emma orders a burger and onion rings while she orders a Kale salad. Emma frowns and mutters something about rabbit food. 

Regina replies with an indignant, “Well at least I don’t eat like a child” 

It’a a poor rebuttal but it makes them both laugh so it’s worth it. 

Once the waitress, a leggy brunette that had introduced herself as Ruby, cleared their plates Regina reached into her bag and took out her notepad and began writing the words that hadn’t she hadn’t been able to get out of her head since she left New York. 

As cheesy as it sounds Emma is convinced that Regina would look absolutely breathtaking doing anything. There is something extra beautiful when she’s tucking her hair behind her ears, her tongue sticking out slightly. Emma has also discovered that she does these when she’s concentrated or when she’s turned on. For now it seems like she’s concentrating, scribbling something down in a slightly battered notebook she takes everywhere. From the way she is humming softly to herself, Emma presumes it is a song. 

Regina confirms that it is a song, or rather part of a song and that she usually writes on a typewriter, of course she does- Emma’s half surprised Regina’s not an actual Queen. Emma asks if she can have a sneak peek and Regina looks hesitant for a second before agreeing. 

“I’m alone in my house” she sings, tapping a rough rhythm on the table. 

Emma grins because Regina is more talented than she realises and even in its earliest stages the song is amazing. One day it will be a hit for sure. 

///

Regina is once again amazed at how comfortable she is around Emma, and she knows she must seem like a broken record but she’s never found it easy to be this open and honest with someone. She’s scared that something or someone will burst this bubble they’re in. She likes the song, and is pleased Emma likes it, but it still needs a lot of work. Plus Arizona, is rather was home to Emma and Regina wants to find out more about Emma’s childhood. 

“Aren’t you excited to be home?” she queried. 

Emma’s face dropped and Regina reaches across the table, placing her hand over Emma’s squeezing it slightly reassuring her that they don’t have to talk about this- not if they don’t want. 

Emma looks like she wants to take her up on that offer but doesn’t. She does take a deep breath before answering “I don’t really come back” 

It’s a non answer and they both know it. Regina also knows she shouldn’t push, had made a promise (of sorts) mere moments ago that she wouldn’t but well Regina is tenacious, and a little nosy. 

“Don’t come back home?” Regina may have a somewhat tenuous relationship with her mother at times but she can’t imagine not ever going back home. 

Emma’s eyes darken and Regina knows she’s crossed a line. 

///

Emma takes a few deep breaths.It is not Regina’s fault her childhood was fucked up. Not her fault that Emma’s not sure she knows what Home is. She just knows she hasn’t had one. She is angry at Regina though- angry that she pushed, angry that she’s clearly projecting her life, her childhood onto Emma’s and that’s something Emma hates. Emma’s trying to change, to be a better person so she doesn’t run like she would have done once upon a time, instead she takes another breath and looks away from Regina. She can’t say this to Regina’s face, can’t face even the possibility that Regina will look at her with pity. 

“I I never really had a home,” she stammered “My parents left me on the side of a freeway just outside a tiny hamlet in Maine when I was just hours old. I was found by the local sheriff and the old lady that owned the diner, Granny took me in. I don’t really remember her, I was only there for a few weeks but she used to write to me for a few years when I was growing up. I visited once, when I was three, and all I can remember is this old lady giving me a tight hug and the smell of freshly baked pastries. She sent me off with a bear claw and a letter. She told me not to read the letter yet- to keep it until I was older. In the letter she wrote: 

Dearest Emma, 

I wish I could describe what I felt when I first held you in my arms, it felt like the thing I’d been missing, waiting for my entire life had arrived. You were swaddled in a hand knitted blanket and the most piercing emerald eyes, still smiling, despite being left in the cold. You were no bother for those few weeks I had you, and to this day I wonder if I could have, should have done more for you. I loved you and I wanted to keep you, but I was, I am dying, and I couldn’t bear to hurt you like that. If I was a coward and made the wrong decision I’m sorry. I won’t see you again, not in this lifetime but Emma remember. Be Brave. Be Strong and never forget who you are. 

Love you, always and forever, 

Granny” 

Both of them were crying, but that was only the tip of the iceberg, still the comfort of Regina leaning against her, made this whole thing a little easier. 

“She died that weekend, something I didn’t find out until at least three months later. When I stomped and threw a hissy fit asking why- the disingenuous reply was- you’re not family Emma. I was with the Swans at that point, they’d adopted me at a few weeks old and kept me until about the same time Granny died, then Mummy Swan got a baby swan of her own and I was back to being the ugly duckling. I think that’s when I started to give up on the world, or at least realise life was far from fair. 3 years old and my parents had abandoned me, the only person to love me had died, and my ‘family’ didn’t need me anymore.

I wasn’t the cute kid either. I was the slightly gangly kid with big rimmed glasses and knotted blonde hair. 

I didn’t have a permanent home until I was sixteen- passed from foster home to group home to foster home. The length of time varied in each one but I can categorize those thirteen years into 3 things: the families that did at least pretend to care about me, bought me stuff- these were probably the best because I was warm and well fed and had decent clothes but then they were also the worst because they did it all to enhance their own status. I was little more than a trophy to them. The families that didn’t give a shit about me, but just wanted the money- they gave me the bare minimum and you could always tell when social services were due to visit because they’d suddenly remember your name and tell you to buy something for the mall. The homes were everyone was lovely and wanted to make time for you, but lack of funding and resources and too many kids running around made it impossible. 

I was sixteen and about to run away when the Nolans visited the home I was in at the time. They wanted someone older, someone who likes the outdoors and would put the work in, I was cautious, sure this was another trap, but I figured I had nothing to lose. It didn’t really matter where I ran away from. The Nolans were lovely and while the money they got for me clearly helped (running a ranch in the middle of Arizona isn’t exactly cheap), they cared for me and wanted me there. David quickly became an older brother and fiercely protective of me. Part of me loved it- it was what I’d always wanted, the other part of me felt like I was being strangled- so used to being alone that having someone was too much. Mr Nolan (James) was always a bit of a drinker- I guess I just didn’t notice at first. Mrs Nolan, its Ruth dear, was like Granny in a way- always baking, always in a flap about something, but loved with her whole soul. For a few months it was great and I think looking back I never fully appreciated it- was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It did- Ruth got ill,a fatal case of pneumonia. None of us were expecting it and death as it always does has a way of pulling everything you’ve come to know from underneath you feet. James drank his sorrows away and just didn’t stop, he was a hard man to love- always had an opinion, liked things just so but he loved Ruth with everything he had and he couldn’t live without her. David tried to pretend it didn’t affect him. Tried to be strong, but I heard the cries and screams of frustration. My overwhelming feeling was guilty- bad things always happened to people when I was around. I felt bad, because Ruth wasn’t my mum, I’d only known her a couple of months but I loved her loved her so much and she was gone” 

Regina had wrapped her hands around Emma’s waist and if either of them took a second then they’d probably realise how intimate the act was, as it was Regina took a deep breath, willing not to cry. Emma needed to let it all out, no matter how painful, in order to hopefully move on. Regina could not think of the pain Emma had gone through, but the closest she could come up with was “Life’s a piece of shit when you look at it” 

Emma laughed. It was true. She also knew that there was more and the next part could send Regina running for the hills. Too late to stop now.

“That’s when I met Neal. I stopped going to school, I was going to fail out anyway and didn’t see the point anymore. Neal was older, not that I knew that at first, he acted younger than me, and he was a breath of fresh air in a way. He knew me as Emma. Not as the orphan girl. He cared, or seemed to. He listened to me. He got me presents when I was upset and missing Ruth. I realise now it wasn’t a healthy relationship. He was using me, and me being me was too foolish to realise it. I don’t confess to being a saint and I helped him with a few misdemeanours- neither of us were rich and we were planning a future together- shampoo and stuff adds up when you think you’ve got nothing. It got to a point where I wanted to stop stealing- I had more than I’d ever had, and I felt like I was letting Ruth down. Neal wasn’t happy and I didn’t see him for a week. He texted me everyday threatening me, calling me a whore, a slut. I blocked his number- which only resulted in him coming to the house- hammering on the door. One last job sweetie and then I’ll leave you alone. I didn’t want to but I knew this was my chance to get rid of Neal. Watches. A sack of watches in a train station. I left the station and the police were waiting for me. 

I was a minor, and the jury knew I was the fall gall, so my sentence was a lot more lenient than it could have been but I served two years. I thought I was used to being alone, but nothing prepares you for what it was like in prison. The same 4 walls, that seem to get smaller, the constant observation drives you mad. My father didn’t visit- his drinking had got worse. David did, but after a time I asked him to stop- the disappointment in his face was too much. He wanted to get away, but because of me he was stuck looking after Dad. He’s resented me ever since. Prison, if nothing else, gave me plenty of time to write and music became my solace. I’ve never been good at expressing myself, but music gave me the voice I’d been yearning for. Once I got out I did a bit of busking...local gigs for free to get my name out there. Then local bars started ‘hiring’ me for way below the minimum wage- but it was money and it was mine. A few years after that and I got my break- my manager saw me performing and said I had talent. David had come back at that point, to marry his childhood sweetheart Mary Margaret, and despite our complicated relationship agreed to manage me. I saved up enough to buy the ranch, home it turns out is the place where, when you leave, you just miss it. The rest as they say is history” 

Regina smiled. For someone who didn’t ‘do’ emotions, Emma had let go about a lot of things just then. “You know none of that changes how I think of you right?” 

Emma gasped incredulously “How can it not” 

Regina let out a soft laugh “I met you when you were four sheets to the wind. We all have a past Emma. All have things we’d rather forget. Moments were we feel like our world is collapsing. Where it would be easier to give up- but you didn’t, you’re still here. With me. That’s what matters. Neal on the other hand- if I ever meet that bastard I’ll chop his balls off.” 

Emma hugged Regina- she was all worded out

Regina broke the hug, only to look Emma in the eyes “I nearly got arrested for stealing too. Stole a bra from JCPenney. Wanted to impress my first boyfriend. Something which would have been sexy, romantic even, if I hadn’t of had to tell it to him in front of both sets of parents. He broke up with me the next day.” 

They were both laughing now- sure Regina’s experience was nowhere near as bad as Emma’s but the story made Emma a little less embarrassed. 

“It’s near here, right, the ranch?” Regina asked 

Emma nodded, already knowing where this was going

“Why don’t we visit?” 

“I guess” Emma replied. 

///

After a few minutes of driving- Emma pulls over. Regina’s no expert but it looks more like a wind farm than a ranch. She doesn’t say anything though. It’s not her place. Emma looks at her, and there’s a storm brewing in her eyes, but she motions to somewhere in the distance and Regina assumes that it’s where her Dad’s buried. 

///

Emma can’t believe it. This can’t be it. Maybe she’s not gone far enough down the highway. It is though, she knows it is- can feel it. Everythings gone. Every trace that someone- a family lived here was gone. She still can’t believe it. David wouldn’t have sold it. 

She kneels down, gently scraping some of the soil away, even the frickin grave is gone.

///

Regina didn’t want to disturb Emma but they needed to be heading back soon so she hollered her. 

Emma was pissed- she could sense that much from a distance. Someone had sold the ranch- but if it wasn’t Emma then who. 

///

Emma storms back to bug and slams the door, ignoring all of Regina’s attempts to start a conversation. She can’t say anything right now- she’s too annoyed. 

///

The silence is killing her and Regina can’t help but think that the foul mood is her fault. She’d pushed Emma to open up. Suggested visiting the ranch. 

///

Emma had hoped the drive would calm her a little, it hadn’t, if anything it had made her more angry. 

Any semblance of control was lost when she saw David: 

“You sold the fucking ranch. The family ranch. Dad was buried there” she screamed, swinging for him- only stopped from two of the security guys. 

Regina stood there bewildered- both at Emma’s violence and the fact that David had sold the ranch. 

“A family ranch. Exactly. You’re not family. Not by blood anyway” David shouted back. 

That was below the belt and everyone knew it, it seemed David wasn’t done. 

“When mum died”

Oh so now she was back to being part of the family

“When mum died we were all broken. I know that. I get that but where were you. You went off with that tosser and didn’t care about us. Left me to deal with dad’s drunken ass every night. It was me that screamed at when he realised Ruth wasn’t coming back. Me that had to clear up his vomit every morning. It was me that had to get groceries so we could eat. I visited you in prison and YOU EMMA were the one that told me not to come back. When you got out you looked as if you were going to turn your life around and I was so proud but then you discovered the booze too. You idolised dad for no fucking reason. He was a drunk dead beat of a man by then. He didn’t care about you. He was just glad to have someone to drink with. I didn’t want to sell the ranch but dad was in debt- so much debt, which I tried to tell you about but you didn’t care. Didn’t care about anything unless it contained rum or whiskey. I was the one that cradled your ass around the world and what do I get in return. You stealing my songs. “ 

“SHUT UP DAVID. It’s a good excuse saying you raised me when you did no frickin good. I’d raised myself for 14 years I didn’t need you, didn’t ask you to go all Prince Charming on me and try and save my ass. You weren’t any frickin good anyway. You were the popular, good looking, captain of the soccer team. I was the nerdy orphan girl. Where were you when your teammates threw shakes all over me huh. 

I didn’t steal your songs. Why would I want to you never had anything to say anyway” 

Both were furious, and on the edge of tears. Neither of them truly realising how fractured their relationship had become. “I’m done being your errand boy. I quit.” were David’s final words. 

///

There was a tense silence for a few moments after David stormed off. No one quite sure how things had gone from bad to ugly quite so quickly. 

///

Regina approached Emma gently, not wanting to startle her, “Emma why don’t we” 

Emma moved away, “You can fuck off too. I don’t need you. You wanted me to open up. To go find my home, wanted me to talk about family. Well I hope you’re satisfied. Should we have stopped off and got some popcorn so you could really enjoy the show.” 

“Emma please” Regina hated that she sounded so pathetic but she had to let Emma explain. 

“No Regina I don’t want to hear it. You know everything about me. Things I haven’t told anyone in years and I don’t know you’re middle name. You act all supportive and liked you cared about me,like you wanted to get to know me. Maybe you’re just like the others, lure me in with your smiles and your music, just to hurt me. You. You hurt the most. “ Emma couldn’t look at Regina, she knew what she was saying was harsh and untrue but she needed Regina to hate her. It would make leaving her, saying goodbye easier. 

Regina had had enough. “Emma I get why you’re upset, but this, this isn’t my fault. I didn’t make you open up. I didn’t make you go to the ranch. I didn’t sell it. So be angry. Be upset. Take some time, but don’t you dare try and put this on me” 

Emma didn’t say anything just walked off stage. 

Regina took a few minutes to calm herself before making her way to their room. Not knowing if Emma was going to come back. Not knowing if she wanted her to. 

///

Emma thanks the lord that no matter where, no matter how small there is usually a pub or bar of some kind. She’s craved a drink all day, and what a shit show of a day it had been. Tequila that should solve it. 

///

It’s ten minutes before they’re due on stage and Emma isn’t back. Regina is going to kill her. That’s when she hears a familiar sound of heavy footprints. So she’s drunk. Fabulous. 

She at least expects some feeble excuse, an apology, but no, nothing. 

“You’re drunk” she snapped. 

“Well done Sherlock” Emma said, laughing at her own ‘joke’. 

“I’m glad you think that the fact you can talk to your girlfriend like she’s nothing and then leave to get pissed on frickin tequila hours before a show where people have spent hundreds of dollars to see you is funny Miss Swan. I don’t and honestly I’m fucking embarrassed right now” Regina shouted. 

“You’re hot when you’re angry Gina” Emma slurred, moving closer to her. 

“Grow the fuck up. And never call me Gina again” Regina replied before plastering on a smile and heading out on stage. 

Regina wasn’t entirely sure how it was going to go, but to give them both credit their performance is unaffected. If anything it makes it more emotionally charged. Regina lets herself get lost in the music, in the crowd, escape from the complicated reality. 

The performance ends and the metaphorical storm clouds return. They push through the fans, not stopping for selfies or autos. Rumours will be all over social media in nano seconds and Regina’s caught between not giving a flying fuck and wishing people would just give them some bloody space. 

When they’re on the bus Emma comes over, they’d barely said two words to each other since this afternoon, and Regina steals herself for another fight, or worse, but Emma simply asks if she’s ok

“Fine” is her reply

They both know its a lie, they aren’t fine, far from it, but maybe they will be. 

They offer each other a sad, tight lipped smile and for the first time since they’ve known each other it’s awkward. They want comfort, but the emotions, the pain is too raw, they need space. Space which is in limited supply on a tour bus. 

The awkwardness continues for a week, the days spent in bed hungover, avoiding each other as much as possible. At night they put it all behind them and sing their hearts out. 

They can’t go on like this. 

///

Emma has never hated herself more than she has in this past week. She’d finally found something, someone good in Regina and she’d made her feel like crap. She didn’t mean it. It was just a long, emotional day and she’d lost David and everything hurt too much so she lashed out. Even in her head that sounded like a terrible excuse for her behaviour. She needed to find some way to make it up to Regina- she just didn’t know how. 

///

Regina missed Emma, which was ridiculous because they were rarely far from each other. She missed the hugs, the comfort being in your loved ones arms brings. There was also a part of her that still hated her for what she had said. Emma needed to be the one to fix this. Fix them. 

///

Flowers, from a gas station, hardly classy but her options were limited and she couldn’t deal with the tension any longer. She was also terrified, because Emma knew that this talk could end one of two ways, them agreeing to work on whatever them, to move forward, or act as a goodbye. 

“Hey” 

Regina stopped scribbling away and looked up “Hi” 

Fuck she was beautiful, Emma was regretting the wilting flowers anymore- why hadn’t she gone for wine or chocolates instead. Too late now. She thrust the flowers towards Regina “I I um got you these, to say sorry for being such a bitch, and I was just wondering if we could talk. I uh realise the flowers aren’t the best but well I don’t really do flowers and you know what I’m just going to shut up now” 

Regina couldn’t help but laugh. Emma was so adorable when she rambled and yes the flowers were dying but that was nothing a little plant food and water couldn’t fix. “Thank you Emma, I promise not to judge you on your poor selection of flowers and yes I think we need to talk. Shall we step off the bus a second- go somewhere a bit quieter though?” 

Emma nodded, grateful for the fact that Regina was willing to talk. 

Once they got outside, in the shadow of the bus, the awkwardness returned. 

“I guess I’ll start” Emma muttered. 

“I think you should, dear” Regina said, slightly more snappy than she intended. 

“I was horrible to you and if I could take back what I said, I would, please believe that. I didn’t mean it. I just don’t talk about my family, my childhood ever and it was too much. I could have stopped, I know that, but truthfully I think I needed to say it. I just. I think I just got scared. I have lost everyone I ever care about. Anyone I’ve ever lost has died or left me and I couldn’t bare it if that happened to you because I love you Regina. I love you so much and the fact that I could have ruined the most amazing thing in my life because I lash out before running to the nearest bar kills me. I’m sorry and I will do anything to make it up to you.” Emma pleaded. 

“I know that day was hard. I get that. If you were uncomfortable talking about your past though you should have stopped. Even for a second. I also get why you needed space- finding out what you did would have a huge impact on anyone and I would have given you that space- you know I would. What I hated, hate was that you turned on me. You knew I was trying to help and you said exactly what would cut me deepest and that’s not okay Emma. I love you too, have never felt like this before, but you have to sort your shit out Emma. I mean it. Everyone has baggage. Everyone has scars. So if you need time- whether it’s an hour or a day. Tell me and I’ll give it to you but don’t you ever make me feel like that again. You do that and we’re over.”


	6. Always Remember Us This Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma has some demons. She unleashes them on Regina. Regina can only withstand so much. 
> 
> AKA HERE COMES THE ANGST

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a hard one. Emma is not a nice person in it. Please read the trigger warnings in the following paragraph carefully. It does get better but not in this chapter. 
> 
> If you wish to skip the chapter and want a summary please let me know
> 
> Alcohol abuse and misuse throughout this chapter. If this is something that affects you then feel free to just ask for a summary of the chapter. If you wish to carry on reading this chapter all moments will be marked at the start and the end with ***

The talk clears the air, and both feel like maybe this is the start of something better. They’re not perfect, never will be, but their feelings are on the table and both of them know that they want this. 

***

It’s hard though. Emma’s drinking more again, and Regina longs to say something but everytime she tries Emma says it’s just one more, and it helps her to cope with everything. It’s not a healthy coping mechanism, and it’s always been a point of contention between the two, only heightened by the recent falling out. Still Regina loves Emma and hopes that soon she’ll work through things soon and then they can revisit how much she’s drinking. 

That optimism lasts until the show that evening. Emma comes stumbling into the hotel room after her ‘steroid’ injection high and drunk off her ass. Regina’s pissed because both of them promised to try to be better and it feels like she’s the only one keeping up her end of the bargain.

The show starts and Regina lets the music dissipate her anger once more. Their set ends and Emma runs off stage, Regina waving to the crowd- because whatever the fuck is going on with Emma, they will not be left disappointed. She heads back stage and Emma’s snorting a line. Of course she is. Then she’s talking about an encore. What encore? 

***

Before she knows what is going on Regina’s being dragged on stage- Emma telling her she’s singing that new song she wrote and no not today, not now. Regina likes the song- but it’s not finished and she can’t sing it. Not in the mood she’s in. It will hurt too much.

“Please Emma, Please not tonight” 

Clearly Emma doesn’t care about her, them anymore because she’s already waving to the crowd announcing Always Remember Us this way. 

That Arizona sky burning in your eyes

Regina remembers that day, before it all went so wrong, sitting in that godawful contraption, in comfortable silence, not so sneakily glancing at each other, their eyes sparkling with love and happiness. In that moment they felt like home. 

You look at me and, babe, I wanna catch on fire

It’s true. Emma’s beautiful. Those perfect curls, that shy smile, the little nervous eye roll, those painted on jeans. It’s not just the physical beauty that struck her about Emma. Emma, feels with her whole soul, and that’s what hurts the most. 

It's buried in my soul like California gold  
You found the light in me that I couldn't find

She loves Emma. Loves the Emma who traipse around the store looking for gause and frozen peas. Loves the Emma that was with her on the parking lot, where time sped up and stood still in equal measures. Loves the Emma that believed in her, in her voice. 

So when I'm all choked up  
But I can't find the words  
Every time we say goodbye  
Baby, it hurts  
When the sun goes down  
And the band won't play  
I'll always remember us this way

Regina loves the song, but in that moment she hates it because Emma and her they’re broken and this feels like a goodbye. Things have got to change because if they carry on like this it will kill her or worse kill Emma. She loves Emma. Sometimes you have to let your loved ones go. She knows that sometimes things have to get worse before they get better but she’s fallen hard, and she doesn’t know what is right. Emma’s never had someone in her corner. She’s just not sure she’s strong enough to do it. 

Emma pressured Regina into singing this song now she wishes she hadn’t, because she’s scared that this is goodbye. She keeps fucking up and Regina’s forgiven her, but this this is perhaps one step too far. She wills herself not to cry. Not in front of everyone. 

Lovers in the night  
Poets trying to write  
We don't know how to rhyme  
But, damn, we try  
But all I really know  
You're where I wanna go  
The part of me that's you will never die

They have tried. And Regina wants this. Emma is it for her, there’s no one in this world she will love more. She would marry Emma tomorrow if she thought it would help. 

It wouldn’t. 

They’re lying to each other and to themselves and no healthy relationship, let alone marriage can be based on lies. 

Emma prays to every deity on the planet that Regina gives her another chance because they’re good together. They belong together. Is that enough? 

So when I'm all choked up  
But I can't find the words  
Every time we say goodbye  
Baby, it hurts  
When the sun goes down  
And the band won't play  
I'll always remember us this way  
Oh, yeah  
I don't wanna be just a memory, baby, yeah  
When I'm all choked up  
But I can't find the words  
Every time we say goodbye  
Baby, it hurts  
When the sun goes down  
And the band won't play  
I'll always remember us this way, oh, yeah

Regina turns to Emma, and for the first time in the performance and looks at her with everything she’s feeling- love, lust, the pain because whatever happens next, and she’s still not sure what that is, she needs Emma to know that she loves her. She will always love her. 

When you look at me  
And the whole world fades  
I'll always remember us this way

She gets out from behind the piano, makes her way towards Emma, and brings their lips together. She closes her eyes and commits the feel of Emma’s lips against hers, the smell of her perfume, the feel of Emma’s hand on her back, imagines the light dancing in her emerald eyes, to memory, she’ll always remember them this way. 

//

As she leaves the stage it’s to the usual roar of the crowd. A crescendo of shouts. It’s something that she’s never got used to and something she’s not entirely comfortable. A month ago the only reason someone would shout her was if the garbage needed taking out. Now it’s for an encore. 

Tonight the crowd seems louder, or maybe it’s because today has been too much and she feels as if after today things have changed irreparably. It’s all too much. She just needs a minute. 

She doesn’t get it, the shouts carry on and the crowd around her seems ever larger. The fact that she doesn’t scream or collapse is a miracle. 

It’s also lucky because the next thing she knows Zelena Greene, the Wicked Witch of Oz Records, is approaching her. 

Regina goes to say something, anything...well not anything because the last thing she wants to do is to sprout some fairytale bullshit to Zelena. She can’t afford to embarrass herself in front of Zelena. 

Zelena, for all her reputation and tenaciousness, seems to understand that people get starstruck around her, and she also knows what she wants- which is apparently her. What even is her life. 

“Regina, I don’t say this too many people, I really don’t but what you have goes beyond this. Beyond being the backup singer to your beau. People need to hear what you have to say. You, you are one of those rare gems that have it all.” 

Regina is speechless, a feat in itself. She wants to say yes. Really should say yes because there’s nothing even to consider- this is what she’s always wanted (she’ll put a dollar in the hope commission jar later). Except there is something to consider because this will change everything and she’s fragile. Her and Emma are fragile. Her and Emma are more than fragile, they’re broken. 

Now Regina has never, and will never be someone who has put their lives on hold for someone else, it’s one of the reasons she knows her nickname at high school was the Evil Queen, but Emma was the first to notice her. Emma was the person believed her when no one else did. Emma got her to this point and as much as she’s pissed off with Emma. As much as she’s hurting that she’s seeking comfort in booze instead of her (fuck she’s more bitter than she thought) she needs to speak to Emma. Not to see if she agrees, because Regina knows she’ll be calling Zelena back tomorrow saying yes, but because it’s important and they agreed to do everything together and aside from her mother Emma is still the most important person in her life. 

“Zelena, thank you so much for your incredible offer and your words. It means a lot. I..I just need to speak to Emma” she stammered because of course she couldn’t play it cool. 

Zelena laughs and says “I thought that would be the case. Now listen, you are a gem, but I have a business and a reputation to uphold so I need an answer by noon tomorrow so just make sure you make it out of bed before then” 

Regina smirks, hoping to god it’s convincing, and also wondering if make up sex is actually satisfying. 

///

***

She doesn’t find out because when she gets back she finds at least ten people she doesn’t know in their hotel suite and Emma slumped on the sofa, drink in one hand, cigarette in the other. 

She knows Emma’s not listening, not really but she tells her about everything Zelena had said- all the different options she had, because she wants to and part of her is naive enough to think maybe some of what she says Emma will pay attention to. 

Seconds later, Emma falls off the sofa, drunk off her ass and Regina is crushed. Crushed because she actually thought that maybe tonight would be different. Devastated because tonight she was supposed to be on the eve of signing a record deal, of getting her voice heard more and instead her so called girlfriend is completely out of it. She’s pissed because she hates Emma, hates that she’s given everything to this relationship, to them, put her heart on the line and Emma keeps playing it, breaking it with her bare hands. She wishes she could walk away, knows she needs to, staying in a relationship isn’t healthy, but she can’t walk away, Emma means to much. It’s not just Emma she’s mad at, she’s mad at herself because both of them are at fault here- both have them have issues and Regina’s just as guilty as blind siding them and ignoring them as Emma is. 

She drags Emma into the bedroom because no one needs to see her, or them like this, and asks her what’s up (she knows the answer, knows that their rift has taken its toll on both) Emma just smiles and dear god she will actually slap her. 

***

“I just wanted no I just thought you would be happy” she says and she hates how weak she sounds. 

Emma picks up a cream filled bear claw (because it’s Emma and she’ll manage to use a bear claw in any situation) and facepalms her with it. 

Regina, slowly, deliberately sensually draws her finger down, through the cream, to her lips, sucking it. She sees Emma’s eyes widen- and she can’t seriously think this is going to turn into food sex (she’s a queen and a bit more refined, then again it is Emma). She does it again, this time offering her finger to Emma, removing it at the last second. 

“You you jealous fuck Emma. I love you. I love you and I was so excited to tell you about this..to go through this together and your fucking drunk and high. I can’t do this. I can’t do us not like this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate myself for ending it there too.


	7. Love on the Rocks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I go away from the film a little in this chapter- these ladies both have issues they need to work on and having them together and all lovey dovey didn’t really work. 
> 
> Love makes it worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve found the last few chapters hard to write- writer's block is a bitch and I also struggled with this one. It’s still a rocky road but never give up on these two ladies- they’re nothing if not stubborn and in love. 
> 
> Drug/Alcohol abuse marked with ***

Regina grabbed her coat off the peg behind the door and ran, tears flooding her eyes. Fuck. Where had it all gone so wrong? Her and Emma were perfect, weren’t they. They couldn’t be much more different- Regina was a meticulous planner, her diary colour co-ordinated and highlighted to perfection. Emma was a write it on the back of a takeaway menu or her hand kind of girl. Regina ordered a Kale salad, and if she were feeling extra decadent would add chicken and some parmesan to it. Emma would order the greasiest burger and onion rings (which Regina would steal when Emma ‘wasn’t looking’). Emma truly loved performing, it was in her bones- the crowd giving her a boost. Regina still got that, she wouldn’t be on the verge of signing a record deal if she didn’t but the thrill was still accompanied by an overwhelming sense of dread, sickness that this was all going to go wrong. They were yin and yang, but surely that should make them work, and for a couple of months it had. Now the glamour had gone, the fame costing them both, Regina knew that this wasn’t the end for them but it was the end of something and that scared the shit out of her.

She found herself at a nearby hotel, checked herself in-ignoring the couple of stares she got from the hotel staff trying to work out if it was her or not. The being recognised was something she was sure she would never get used to, never be entirely comfortable with, before dragging herself up to the suite. The room was clearly used as a couple’s room with the towels arranged in fancy swans and roses adorning the mantlepiece and window sill, and it set the water works off and she found herself furiously scrunching up the towels, if she made them again at 4am because sleep was avoiding her and she felt terrible for housekeeping then no one needed to know)

It seemed like a life time and no time at all before the incessant shrill of her alarm signified it was time to get up.

///

The first thing that Emma noticed when she woke up was how much she ached. Everywhere. It wasn’t that thoroughly sated, sex after glow ache either. It was the “I drank way too much, can’t remember anything and now everything hurts” ache. The next thing she feels is the overwhelming urge to be sick, god she feels like shit.

The third, and most painful thing, she realises that she is alone. Her suite is empty. She knew Regina hadn’t slept with her, had noticed that she wasn’t spread eagled over the bed but she’d assumed she’d crashed on the couch (a fact she’d already felt terrible about). Now she’d woken up slightly she realised Regina’s clothes weren’t in the closet, her coat wasn’t in the hall. Regina had gone. Left last night. Fuck.

Emma desperately tried to remember exactly what happened. What she said. What she did. She’s not naive, they were having problems way before yesterday, but they were trying to work it out, clearly something she changed last night.

She vaguely remembers the gig, it was a big crowd, but mainly she remembers looking at Regina, sat at the piano, a far away look in her eyes, Emma thinking that she knew she was going to marry that girl one day.

Shit. Zelena of Oz Records was there last night. She spoke to Regina after the show.

Emma remembers Regina coming back bursting with a nervous excited energy. Zelena had offered Regina a record deal and she’d been too fucked, and yes a little jealous to care.

***

Her battle with drink and drugs was a long and complex one.

It started with a way to gain acceptance. She was an orphan, the constant newcomer, the kid that everyone talked about. The drink helped to take away her crippling shyness. It helped her not care about what everyone thought.

It didn’t seem like a problem then, not really, she was only young and everyone drank. She passed it off as ‘enjoying her youth’. It was easier than admitting the pain she felt.

She couldn’t stop and as life moved on, the world spinning faster, she stayed rooted in the same spot, grounded. Her partying gave away to hidden drinking bottles stashed in cupboards.She didn’t drink to pass out- knowing people would notice, drinking at night, as she leant back against the door of her room. She hid it, she didn’t want anyone to know, but at the same time that no one seemed to care made her feel even more alone. So she drank.

It had started off as a casual joint, something to mellow life. To take the stress away.  
Occasionally she would try something new. Something a little harder. It was only now and again. It didn’t mean anything. Except it did and before she knew it, she relied on them, just as she relied on the alcohol.

xxx*** end of drug/alcohol abuse

Emma needs to do something. The something be find Regina and make it up to her. Or should she leave her and give her space. If so then how much space? Should she call her? Text her? God relationships were complicated. After agonising for another few minutes she decided she would call her. If she picked up then great, if she didn’t she’d leave a voicemail and hope that Regina rang her back. She figured that was the least painful way.

///

It was mornings like this when Regina was infinitely glad for two things: caffeine and make-up. She had spent the night tossing and turning, and not because she was trying (in vain) to find a position where the springs in the mattress didn’t stab her, but because she would be recording her first solo single.

Regina was a proud woman, she was proud of who she was, she was proud of how she treated others, she was proud of how much she’d overcome. She was proud that she was here- about to realise her dream. Not that she ever imagined getting here, had thought anyone outside her family hearing her voice and liking it a pipe dream, let alone getting noticed and approached by one of the most renowned music producers in the country. Things like this didn’t happen to people like her (and yes she hated how cliched that sounded).

It wasn’t just pride that she felt, it was sadness as well, pain, because the few fleeting moments she did dare to dream. Dare to think that maybe something like this might happen...one day...it was with Emma by her side, sitting on the other side of the glass in the recording studio, a huge smile on her face, her eyes dancing. Regina slightly overwhelmed with lust, and maybe a little embarrassed (she still felt a little self conscious performing). Emma wasn’t here though, and that was a result of Emma’s choices. Regina deserved this. Regina had worked for this. She needed to enjoy it. For herself more than anything.

If her mother was here now she’d say this was the reason love was weakness. It wasn’t. She knew that- it was strength, She’d left Emma last night because she loved her. She just wished it didn’t hurt so damn much. She had to push it aside today.  
She needed to get out of her own head and quickly.  
Maybe it would be better if she could play the piano- could she ask that? Would that be pushing too far. After a few seconds she finally felt the music.  
It was a whirlwind day and Regina was concerned she was losing a part of herself, she didn’t want to become another one hit wonder.

///

Emma doesn’t consider herself an expert in many things, or particularly academic but she’s pretty sure she is an expert on hangovers. There are 6 types she concludes- all awful and horrific in their own way.

  1. The Gradual Hangover: Emma personally believes this is the worst because you wake up, remember 99.9% of the night- including stuff you can tease your friends with later- and you feel fine. A little dehydrated and hungry maybe but generally fine. Then it hits you, and the headache that lingered becomes one that pounders on your skull, your starving and the food you really want you don’t have and there is no way you are leaving the house like this.
  2. Projectile Hangover: Ok so maybe this one is the worst because vomit. Even the word is disgusting. No detail is needed except How much is there left to throw up (Never ask yourself this question because you are setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment)  
  

  3. The WTF did I do last night hangover: This one is just scary. You can’t remember any of your night. The fact your home and not in a cell or hospital is a good thing. (Kids and Grown Ups if you’ve got to this stage you drank too much)  
  

  4. The thank god for takeaways hangover: If Emma were being picky she would say that this is probably every hangover but well she’s not and she’s also realistic one of the only good things about a hangover is the fact that it gives you an excuse to eat food with absolutely no nutritional value and not give a shit (hangover is a universal excuse for eating shit. Emma thinks this a load of bull- you shouldn’t need an excuse to eat what you want)
  5.   
The Fear (not the Lily Allen song-that’s what you demanded the taxi driver play on the way to the club): Again if she were an academic then some critics would say this was the same as no.3 but really people get a life. It’s not the same.
  6. The Fear is the hangover you get when you REALLY should not have gone out last night (most common reasons not to go out but doing it anyway include: a pet dying, you broke up with your boy/girl friend; you have work; you are tired;you are broke). You had a good night but that final shot probably wasn’t needed and now it’s the next morning and you are slightly embarrassed and definitely overthinking everything.
  7.   
The final one is the one that Emma has today and ignore what she’s previously said this is definitely the worst. The Forever Crying Hangover. You’re a little emotional and everything that could possibly go wrong does, because of course it does (Fuck you Universe). You cry because you can’t stop and also because that should make it better. It doesn’t. Everything reminds you of them (her). You need to fix it but you can’t.  
If you are one of those people that don’t get hangovers you’re a lucky bastard.

Despite feeling emotional, and yearning for a drink, Emma knows she can’t, she is trying to be better, to do better, starting from today.

Knowing that she is unlikely to hear from Regina today, she starts drawing a bath, hoping it will help her relax.

It does and it doesn’t- there’s something comforting about a bath, but it suddenly feels more empty.  
///

Regina gets back to the shitty motel room and sighs. She needs to look for somewhere else, but that feels too much like the next step, too much of an ending. She dismisses that thought. It’s been a long, tiring day and everything aches- including your heart a niggling voice at the back of her head reminds her.

She takes a minute to debate whether she should have a shower and a bath and after deciding its best to not even think about the cleanliness (yes she is aware of how much of a snob she sounds but some people’s hygiene is just disgusting), settles on a bath.

She tries not to think about the last time she had a bath...with Emma  
///

They’re like teenagers and if they weren’t preoccupied with ripping each others clothes off and trying not to bump into every wall on the way to the bathroom maybe they would care. As it stands they don’t.

When they reach the bathroom, they slow down a little, God Regina is gorgeous, especially like this- happy, care free, soft curls framing her face- the rest of her now longer hair in a ponytail, and naked.

Regina loves every part of Emma, but she’s sure that like this- slightly awkward, gangly, with gorgeous princess curls and naked is the best version.

They bring their lips together and kiss languidly, before their hands begin to wander, Emma’s caressing Regina’s breasts, offering a slight pinch to her nipple and good lord Regina’s on her way to heaven.

Regina’s hands move down Emma’s back to her arse, and honestly her arse is Emma’s second best feature (her emerald green eyes are favourite), and offers a light slap.

“Kinky” Emma half says, half laughs

“You haven’t seen kinky yet” is her teasing reply.

Both of them take a minute to catch their breaths because if they are going to talk about kinks it isn’t in the middle of a music tour when they have to be up in less than 5 hours (they shoulder the discussion for another day...hopefully soon)

The segway reminds them that they were supposed to be having a bath and well they care about the planet so sharing water is just doing their bit.

The sex is good, if a little clumsy, there really isn’t much room in a bath tub. It doesn’t stop either of them finding that sweet spot numerous times.

///

Unsurprisingly Emma doesn’t sleep at all. She’s been shivering all night (a withdrawal symptom she’s sadly too used to). She misses Regina, so much. It’s amazing how quickly you get used to sharing a bed, amazing how that extra half of the bed can feel so vast.

It’s four am when she finally gives up on even trying to sleep and finds herself humming to Always Remember Us, more affectionately known as their song.

She will. Remember Regina. If this is the end (she really hopes it isn’t) but if it is she will always remember those moments when the world around them didn’t matter. She’ll remember the target run trying to find frozen peas.

She’ll remember the parking lot- where Regina opened up her heart and Emma’s too.

She’ll remember seeing in that drag bar, being transfixed.

She’ll remember the thrill on first performing in front of a live audience, the look on Regina’s eyes changing from murderous to pure excitement.

She’ll remember the more private moments too- the ones only they know. She’ll remember the moment where they traced each others nose because every part of Regina was beautiful.

She’ll remember laughing in Regina’s childhood bedroom. She’ll remember getting a little too carried away and Regina insisting on shutting the door- only for her mom to come barging in a few seconds later.

She’ll remember Regina comforting her when she discovered the truth about her brother.

She remembers Regina breaking down on the anniversary of her father's death.

The time for reminiscing has to be cut short as she’s due to leave for Memphis. It seems too final to be leaving without Regina, but she knows she has to. Maybe this will do them both good. She knows she’s vowed to leave Regina alone, to give her space and she will but she can’t leave for Memphis without saying or doing anything. So she picks up her phone and rings Regina.

She doesn’t pick up and Emma reminds herself that this is probably better. She’d probably cry if Regina spoke to her. She waits for the beep before pouring her heart out.

“Regina, Mi Amor, I don’t know how to start this so I guess I will start with I am sorry. So incredibly sorry. I was selfish and drunk after I had promised to be better. I wasn’t jealous, not really, I was scared, scared of losing you. Your voice is incredible but you, your heart, well that’s magical. You love with everything you have, you dream bigger, your light is blinding. In the short time we’ve known each other you showed me a version of me I thought I’d lost, that I could never be again. You reminded me of what music, and life is about- finding the truth and not being afraid of it. When it came to the ultimate test of that I did what I always do I lashed out and hurt you instead of speaking to you. I guess I thought it would be easier to lose you if you hated me or I hated you. I don’t hate you. I hope you don’t hate me, not forever at least, but if you do I will understand. You have a gift Regina, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. We were never perfect, but we were us.

I leave for Memphis, the thought of going on this tour without you hurts, you bring an energy and an honesty to the stage I’d lost a long time ago. I think it will do us, me, good. I need to find myself again. This isn’t how I imagined saying it, but the best laid plans, I love you Regina. You are the queen of my heart. I love you so much and I hope that you can forgive me in time. If our time has ended then I will respect that and leave you alone.

No matter what way our stories end, Regina know that you have rewritten be mine by being my friend.

///

Regina didn’t sleep much. The bed was uncomfortable and she’s glad that the studio is putting her up somewhere else tonight. She’s been going over yesterday in her head, she still can’t believe it. She wasn’t entirely happy with the final cut of her song but Zelena was happy so that’s the most important thing really.

She’s up at 4, a long day of rehearsing the choreography for the single. This is the bit she hates. She’s a singer, not a performer and the dancing feels kind of awkward to her. Still it keeps her busy, keeps her mind busy and she needs that.

Emma leaves for Memphis today. Regina knows this partly because she remembers but also because their calendars are still synced- someone had to know where Emma needed to be, especially since David quit. When they were in the same state they could pretend that this was a blip but Regina’s scared that if Emma goes to Memphis then whatever they had is over. She knows she’s the one that left. She had to. She’s still mad at Emma, that after everything they’ve been through, she got drunk and didn’t listen when Regina needed it. She also misses her. She needs to concentrate on her now. It took years of therapy to realise that putting her own mental health first is just self care and not being selfish.

That’s also why she deleted all of Emma’s hundreds of voicemails


	8. Rockstar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drunk Singing. Pining and some more angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve found the last few chapters hard to write- writer's block is a bitch and I also struggled with this one. It’s still a rocky road but never give up on these two ladies- they’re nothing if not stubborn and in love. 
> 
> Drug Alcohol Abuse marked with ***

Emma arrives in Memphis and this city is some kind of spiritual home to her but she’s not feeling it today. She prepares for the show on autopilot- thank god she knows the process by now. She gives the best performance she can and it’s alright. The fans seem to enjoy it, but it Is far from her best. There are a few shouts of “where’s Regina”. She hates lying to them but she doesn’t know what to say so she offers a vague- “she’s working on another project at the moment so unfortunately she can’t be here, She says hi” response and that seems enough to pacify them...for now. 

*** 

She hasn’t had a drink in forty eight hours and considering how crap she feels she’s proud of it. She’s also acutely aware that if she’s going to relapse it will be tonight tonight. Most of the crew will be enjoying at least a drink- they deserve it, they work hard. It’s also the time she’s most alone. She would usually spend this time with Regina, and before that David. Both are gone. All of a sudden she remembers what it feels like to be a lost little girl, struggling to find her way in the world. Before she gets too far down that rabbit hole she reminds herself that despite recent hiccups- that lost little girl has made something of herself. She’s got this far. She just needs to work on getting better and she can keep going with the progress she was making. She hopes that progress happens soon. 

***-end 

///

She’s nervous, which is to be expected, this is huge, it could make or break her career. 

She’s overwhelmed. She takes a minute and a deep breath. She is where she needs to be. 

She remembers her words her papa told her whenever she felt nervous- “those butterflies in your tummy, they’re just there to remind you that you care, that you love doing this, that you want it to work, so my beautiful butterfly- spread those wings and fly away”

It’s enough, for now at least.It helps to think that she’s not doing this alone. That she’s doing it with her papa, like she used to when she was growing up. 

There’s 5 minutes until show time and someone has chosen now to slow time. 

For all the nerves and endless waiting, the performance is a blur, an incredible heart bursting blur, but a blur nonetheless. 

She hopes it looked ok on the screen because in all honesty she wasn’t focusing on the camera, she lost herself in the music. 

The song, was of course about Emma. It was one she’d been writing since they met. Treat me like your patient, just don’t keep me waiting. 

Those words hurt her more than ever, because in so many ways Emma had healed her. She just needed to heal herself now and lord knows Regina knew that was a long emotional journey. 

She wanted to be equal. Not more not less. Equality, Honesty and Respect that’s what loving someone meant to Regina and that was something so rare. 

She was in a different place when she wrote it, and now maybe it hurts a little more but she also found it helped. Music is one of the few ways Regina feels able to express herself. 

It’s an exhausting combination; travelling and performing and she’s so ready for bed. The only problem is it feels empty. 

She could blame the emotional day or the third glass of wine (because she’s released a fucking single and despite how mopey she’s being she is still ecstatic) or just the fact that she really fucking misses Emma for what she’s about to do. The real answer is option D: All of the above. 

Knowing it will just cause her heart to break even more she presses play on the last voicemail she’d gotten, turns out she couldn’t delete all of them. 

_ “Regina, Mi Amor, I don’t know how to start this so I guess I will start with I am sorry. So incredibly sorry. I was selfish and drunk after I had promised to be better. I wasn’t jealous, not really, I was scared, scared of losing you. Your voice is incredible but you, your heart, well that’s magical. You love with everything you have, you dream bigger, your light is blinding. In the short time we’ve known each other you showed me a version of me I thought I’d lost, that I could never be again. You reminded me of what music, and life is about- finding the truth and not being afraid of it. When it came to the ultimate test of that I did what I always do I lashed out and hurt you instead of speaking to you. I guess I thought it would be easier to lose you if you hated me or I hated you. I don’t hate you. I hope you don’t hate me, not forever at least, but if you do I will understand. You have a gift Regina, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. We were never perfect, but we were us. _

_ I leave for Memphis, the thought of going on this tour without you hurts, you bring an energy and an honesty to the stage I’d lost a long time ago. I think it will do us, me, good. I need to find myself again. This isn’t how I imagined saying it, but the best laid plans, I love you Regina. You are the queen of my heart. I love you so much and I hope that you can forgive me in time. If our time has ended then I will respect that and leave you alone.  _

_ No matter what way our stories end, Regina know that you have rewritten be mine by being my friend.  _

Well fuck. 

She pours herself another glass of wine and she is definitely going to regret this in the morning but she doesn't care. 

That voicemail confirmed what she already knew, that Emma was freaked out by all of this as much as she was. She just didn't or felt like she couldn't vocalise it. Which Regina understood. She did. They'd gone from 0-60 faster than a bugatti veyron. The touring, their relationship, her career, Emma's career. It was a lot all at once. It was overwhelming and scary. She got that. What she still struggled to understand and what she needed to understand was why Emma turned to alcohol and drugs instead of her. She also hated that she thought that, because she knew it was a lot more complicated than that. Addiction wasn’t something that went away over night. Or because you loved someone. 

The voicemail confirmed another thing. She loved Emma. Emma just needed to work on loving herself for a bit first. 

It’s then when her phone rings again and for a minute she thinks it’s Emma. Part of her wants it to be. Part of her needs it to be. Part of her hopes it isn’t. If it is her she’s just going to cry. She’s going to scream at Emma, for putting her through this in the first place and they’ll be back at square one . 

It’s not Emma, It’s Zelena and if she’s calling now it’s either really good or really bad news, knowing putting it off and dealing with it tomorrow is not an option, Regina accepts the call: 

“What the fuck was that Regina?” 

“Hello to you too Zelena” is her reply, 

“I’m not here for pleasantries Regina, I’m here to produce music and make sure it sells. So when I give you dancers, you use them, and you definitely don’t do it solo and then get the moves fucking wrong” 

“I wanted the performance to be about the song, not the dancers. Secondly it was one step Zelena” 

Regina is aware of three things in that moment: 

  1. She’s had too much wine. 
  2. Zelena definitely earned the title the wicked witch of music
  3. She needs more wine to deal with the rest of this conversation. 

“Oh and who made you queen, your majesty. You are not in charge here. You don’t work with Emma now. You work for me. So here’s what you’re going to do- you’ll dance with dancers on your next performance. You’ll dye your hair and you’ll do what I say. Understand” 

  
  


“Understood” she reluctantly replied. Regina wasn’t usually one to give up but lately it felt like all she was doing was fighting. Fighting with Emma. Fighting with Zelena. Fighting her own bloody brain. 

  
  


Regina hung up the phone and cried. She couldn’t do this. For the first time, in maybe forever she didn’t want to do this, not if it meant changing everything about herself. 

She was fed up of feeling like this so she grabbed the bottle and necked the rest of the wine. She wasn’t even surprised when she hit shuffle spotify and Rockstar came on.

Using the now empty bottle as a microphone she closed the windows before drunkenly dancing around her hotel room in just one of Emma’s old tour t-shirts

_ “I'm gonna trade this life _

_ For fortune and fame _

_ I'd even cut my hair _

_ And change my name _

_ 'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars _

_ And live in hilltop houses, drivin' fifteen cars _

_ The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap _

_ We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat _

_ And we'll hang out in the coolest bars _

_ In the VIP with the movie stars _

_ Every good gold digger's gonna wind up there _

_ Every Playboy bunny with her bleach blond hair _

_ And well, hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar _

_ Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar” _

///

It’s minutes until it is time to go on stage and honestly Emma can’t think of anything much worse than performing right now. Usually it’s her escape, a place to forget her problems and just lose herself in the crowd. Today it’s more painful. The stage seems empty without Regina, her words seem hollow. The crowd is just a noise that is causing her headache to be even worse. 

She’s not had a drink...yet and honestly she wishes it didn’t make her feel so shit.

Someone is calling her name and it’s too late to back out now. She puts on her best smile and goes out there and perform. Part of her feels guilty for not giving her fans her best performance ever. Part of her has to remind herself that she is only a human and she’s allowed bad days too. Part of her just hopes they don’t notice. 

Checking Twitter was a bad idea, sure everyone did seem to enjoy her show, which is good and she’s grateful she can make some of her fans days a little more special by clicking the like button, but there’s a recurring theme tonight- Why was Regina not there? Some fans instantly point out that Regina had to perform her new single so couldn’t be there this time. Some fans (who have never liked their relationship in the first place) seem to rejoice in the fact that they could have broken up. That’s something Emma will never understand- a breakup is never something someone should enjoy, especially if you don’t fucking know them, 

She logs off twitter before she does something she regrets and listens to Regina’s song (yes she’s full of good decisions today). It’s so good and she can’t help but feel embarrassed again at the way she had reacted. 

The urge for a drink becomes too much. She’ll just have one to help her sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They'll get there. Promise.


	9. I hate you. I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina gets jealous when Emma stumbles to her ex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some more angst but it gets better soon. 
> 
> Drug Alcohol Abuse marked with ***

Who invented alarms? It's not like anyone does anything other than snooze them. That’s the burning question that Regina is pondering this morning

To be fair to herself, Regina was usually good at getting up. She was a morning person. There was something about the morning air that refreshed her. Everything was a little bit more optimistic first thing in the morning before the obstacles of life threw a spanner in the works. 

Today was not one of those days. Today she hated alarms. She hated the idea of ever getting up. Her head was pounding, the sunlight was almost blinding. She stank of stale alcohol but the shower seemed too far away. Too much effort. 

Her alarm went again and knowing she couldn't snooze it anymore she trudged to the bathroom.

The shower woke her up slightly but she still wanted nothing more than to just crawl back into bed. She checks her phone and any hope of that disappears. She has 5 missed calls from Zelena and about 10 text messages. There's nothing from Emma though and she finds herself upset and anxious about that. 

She debates whether to ring Emma or whether that would look desperate. 

She's still thinking when Zelena rings again. Taking a deep breath and hoping to any deity that this will be a pleasant, short conversation. 

"Hi Zelena" 

"Morning darling. Finally picked up I see" Zelena cooed. 

Could she sound any more patronising if she tried. 

"It's 8am it's hardly late and I was in the shower” is her reply, she hates justifying herself but it's too early for an argument.

"Well the schedules changed and we need you in the studio to start the new choreography at 9. Oh and you have a hairdresser appointment at 12"

"I'll be there for 9. Why do I have a hairdressers appointment?

"To dye your hair. We discussed it yesterday. You're going platinum" 

Regina loses any semblance of decorum and suddenly doesn’t feel tired anymore. 

“I told you last night I was not dying my hair. I don’t want to be blonde. I just want to be me” 

She hung up before Zelena could make some other patronising comment, it would make things more difficult in an hour or so but she didn’t care, she wasn’t changing her hair colour to fit into the stereotype. 

There was a different blonde on her mind anyhow. Decided she didn’t care if she looked desperate, she rang Emma. She would understand. 

The phone rang and rang. Regina tried to rehearse what she would say but came up empty. It didn’t matter anyway because it went straight to voicemail. She didn’t leave a message- mainly because she didn’t know what to say and also probably because she’d end up crying. She just wanted, no needed to hear Emma’s voice. 

///

Emma’s one drink turned into god knows how many. 

She’s awoken by someone shaking her. 

She half opens one eye and good lord the sun is bright. She takes another second and she realises she’s not in her hotel room. Oh no this isn’t good. She’s not even inside. She’s on someone’s garden, and for a second she debates whether it’s more awkward if it’s a complete stranger or if it’s someone she knows. Deciding it would be more awkward if it was a stranger she’s almost relieved when she sees a familiar face looking back at her- “Lily?”. 

Lily’s giving her that smile that made her weak all those years ago “Almost didn’t wake you Em, you looked so comfortable” 

“Jerk” Emma replies and tries to nudge her but she’s definitely still a little worse for wear so she ends up nearly falling over. 

Lily doesn’t laugh or smile this time, just hoists her up. 

Emma sobers slightly “I am sorry, in my mind I made it to the door at least” 

“Em’s you know you’re welcome here any time, but look after yourself yeah” Lily says, pulling out one of the chairs on the deck. 

Ella, Lily’s wife, brings her a coffee before excusing herself. Emma smiles, it used to be uncomfortable- Lily had cheated on her when they’d been together but now it's water under the bridge- they’re better off as friends and they both truly mean that. 

She practically inhales the coffee and god did she need that. 

“I saw you with that girl on youtube” Lily mentions, and Emma can hear the apprehension in her voice. 

Regina, she’d let her down again. At least this time she hadn’t been there to see her spiral. 

“Yeah” is her none committal reply. 

“You were just doing it, enjoying the music, enjoying the performance. First time in a long time I’d seen you do that” 

Emma knows Lily is only trying to help, but she’s pretty sure she’s drank her own body weight in alcohol so everything is an effort and she can’t talk about emotions when she feels like death warmed up. “I know” 

“She’s good” 

At that Emma offers a genuine smile, and replies, more sincerely this time “She is. Really good. I was a prick, scared her away” 

She looks away from Lily, scared she’ll see pity. Lily knows her better than that. 

“Nothing you can’t fix Em. Might be hard but it isn’t anything you can’t fix and it’s nothing to be afraid of”

At that Emma looks up “Isn’t it? Because I’m fucking petrified” 

Lily smiles, and hugs Emma, “that just shows you care lovebug” 

“I get it though, sometimes it feels like you are floating out at sea, drifting, searching for some land or something to cling onto and instead another wave comes. There comes a time though when you forget where you were going or what you were looking for because you already found it. At least that’s what happened to me with Ella and Luce” 

She hugs Lily and once again she’s grateful they found each other and that even when she tried to run Lily didn’t let her, or not for too long. If she didn’t have Lily she’d have probably been dead by now. 

“I I think I love her Lils” 

“I think you do too. I also think you need to sleep, come on you can have Lucy’s room” 

“Sleep sounds good. Then tomorrow I sort my shit out” 

“Sounds like a plan stan” Lily laughs.

///

It’s a long day and Zelena, was as expected unbearable, but it’s over now and Regina can’t wait to sleep. 

She checks her phone, nothing from Emma, which makes her heart ache more than maybe it should. 

There is a missed call from an unknown and a voicemail, hoping it's not some automated message reminding her about the dentist or something she dials the number. 

“Regina” 

“Yes speaking” 

“Hey it’s Lily” 

Lily? Why does she know that name

“Emma’s friend” 

Friend. Or ex girlfriend. 

Regina’s jealousy has always been a problem but she concludes Emma’s ex probably isn’t ringing if Emma’s got back with her. Her second thought is, is Emma ok? 

“Emma’s fine, well she will be after she’s slept, but well, I think she needs you. I know it’s not my place and that she’s fucked up but on that stage with you is the happiest I have ever seen Em so please, when you get here, just hear her out.” 

Her voice is shaking but she agrees “Lily, thank you. She’s lucky to have a friend like you” 

“What are friends for” 

Regina thanks her again before hanging up and immediately looking up flights to Memphis. Despite what she promised Lily she can’t promise she’s not going to slap Emma the second she sees her. 

10 minutes later and she’s scrambling to the uber with a half packed bag and looking a mess. She doesn’t care. She asks for the airport and the driver nods. They don’t engage in conversation partly because she’s still checking she’s got everything she needs and partly because she can’t think of anything other than the mundane- have you been busy? How long are you working until? Which she imagines get boring the first time they are asked. 

They seem to hit every red light and traffic jam imaginable and she tries not to let her irritation show because the driver is already judging her and she knows it isn’t his fault. It doesn’t work. 

Half an hour later and they finally arrive. Check in and boarding goes without a hitch, mercifully and then it’s just time for the flight. She tries not to think about the fact that the last time she was on a plane it was Emma’s private jet and they joined the mile high club (or rather Regina did, Emma rather shyly confessed she’d already joined it but that there were other firsts they’d reach together). Regina pretended to be offended but in reality it wasn’t the best sex they’d ever had. There wasn’t much space and turbulence does nothing for the mood except kill it. 

Before she knows it she’s in Memphis and ordering another uber, this time she’s slightly more composed and does manage to engage in conversation, or rather the driver talks to her and she responds. 

She finds she’s nervous as the cab pulls up at Lily’s house and that’s ridiculous. Lily (or at least she assumes it’s Lily) opens the door and comes out to greet her. 

“Regina, hey, welcome to Memphis”

“Hi Lily, yeah hopefully I get to see more of it” good job Regina that didn’t sound awkward at all. 

“You’re gorgeous, I can see why she likes you, and you’re beautiful voice of course” 

“Thanks”

“Anyways look at me hollering to you, you’re here to see your girl, she’s still asleep but a glass of cold water should do the trick,” Lily says, laughing slightly. 

Regina’s still confused and doesn’t quite know what to say but she thinks she’ll enjoy throwing a glass of cold water over Emma. 

///

Emma is awoken by water in her eyes. Lily every time. Except when she opens her eyes it isn’t Lily. It’s Regina. Fuck. 

Emma looks awful. Regina’s stuck between wanting to comfort her and wanting to cry. Not out of pity, but because how did Emma end up here. If only Emma saw what she did- the funny, crazy talented, beautiful person with a huge heart, she wouldn’t keep doing this, hurting herself, running away. 

She means to apologise. To beg for forgiveness. To tell her she’s falling for her. Instead she says “You made it to Memphis after all” 

Emma reaches for her hand, and is reassured when Regina accepts it. When she's with her, she's home. 

Regina should have known better than to hope for something other than a sarcastic remark, but it makes her smile nonetheless. 

“I guess I did. You should know I rehearsed what I was going to say to you a thousand times on the flight here. I want to tell you how pissed I am. How much you hurt me because you really were a fucking jealous bitch. I just wanted you to congratulate me, instead you got drunk and high. I rang you this morning because Zelena’s being an idiot and I knew you would get it, but you didn’t answer- probably because you were passed out on your ex’s lawn. I want to tell you I hate that I hate you. I want to tell you Miss Swan you are the most infuriatingly goddamn beautiful woman I have ever met, but I love you. This, this spiralling and running away though, it’s got to stop, because I love you, and I am not prepared to lose you. So this, this is the last time Emma. I won’t do this again. I won’t come and clean up for you. ” 

Emma’s crying because she knows she’s messed up, knows she needs to do better, she just doesn’t know how. 


	10. We're going to the chapel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who's ready for a wedding?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little break in the pain for some wedding fun ;)

There is a minute of silence, it’s not awkward per say, just them both acknowledging what has happened but it’s not exactly comfortable either. It’s broken by Emma asking “How was the show?” 

There are still a million things left unsaid, but the fact that she asked does mean a lot to Regina. 

“The show, fucking awesome. I cut the dancers. The chat with Zelena after, less awesome”

Emma took Regina’s hand again. “I’m glad you cut the dancers. I don’t understand why people use dancers, it’s about your voice, not the dancing” 

Regina smiles “I knew you would understand” 

Emma returns the smile and then frowns slightly “Wait what did Zelena say after the show” 

Regina tries to play it off but she’s not fooling anyone. “Just commented on me cutting the dancers, oh and she wants me blonde” 

“You did right cutting the dancers, Zelena’s good (please never tell her I said that I’d never live it down) but she has a certain vision and that doesn’t fit every act. As for the hair, I’m the only blonde in this relationship” There’s an awkward chuckle from both of them and then an even more awkward silence. 

Emma has a moment of panic, are they still together, she assumes they are but what if she’s misread everything. 

Regina turns sombre, “You really hurt me Emm-a” 

“I know” she’s said it before, but this time she is going to prove it. 

///

Five minutes later, and they’ve both taken a minute to freshen up before heading down stairs. Ella and Lily have offered them to stay for dinner, and it would be rude not to. Plus they are both starving. 

They’re sat around the kitchen table and both are struck by how normal this feels. 

They look at each other and this, this is what they are aiming for, each other, a kid (or maybe two) a picket fence house in the suburbs. Emma also wants a dog. Regina pretends she doesn’t but in reality she can’t resist puppies. 

Their reviere is broken by Lily saying “I saw you on youtube Gina, you were good” 

Regina usually hates being called Gina, but she lets it slide and accepts the compliment with a shy blush. 

“I think you’re really pretty” is Lucy’s addition and this time she doesn’t just blush she goes bright red, especially when Emma’s hand finds hers under the table and she offers her a sweet smile. 

She then gets up to go to the kitchen, and Regina doesn’t think anything of it until Lily joins her a few moments later. 

She’s being paranoid, she knows that, she’s just on edge after everything that’s happened these past few days. She shakes her head and engages with the room, losing herself in the sense of family. 

///

Lily had known Emma since she was fourteen. A lanky, awkward teen who got involved in the wrong crowd. Lily was looking to rebel against her conservative mother, Emma was longing to fit in, anywhere. It had been a wild romance complete with picnics and picking locks, but ultimately it forged a lifelong friendship. 

They dated, briefly, and it was amazing but they were both in love with the idea of being in love. When it turned out that it wasn’t like the movies the spell was shattered and promises betrayed. They hurt each other because they could. Love works in funny ways, and sometimes the most powerful love is that of a friend when you need it most. 

They’d seen each other at their rock bottoms, and they’d seen each other achieve unimaginable success. 

Today though, Today Lily had seen Emma in a totally different light. Emma Swan was in love, she just hoped that she wouldn’t let it go. 

So when Lily saw Emma motion to join her in the kitchen she gladly went, curious as to why. 

“What you doing Emma? And quietly because Regina’s definitely trying to listen in” 

Emma smiled, because Regina always did that, was more curious than she’d ever admit, plus she swore that woman had super sonic hearing. 

“I messed up, majorly, but I thought about what you said and what she said, and I’m scared, petrified, but I don’t want to run away. Not this time. I finally found someone who gets me (apart from you) and loves me for me and I won’t let my insecurities ruin it for me. So I need some wire cutters” 

Lily went from beaming like a cheshire cat to confused in less than 2 seconds “Yeah because nothing says I love you like a pair of wire cutters, we’re not in orange is the new black you know” 

Emma laughed because she couldn’t help it “Haha funny, but I need the wire cutters to cut the string from my guitar and make a ring. I’m going to propose” 

“You never do things by half do you?” Lily remarked but got the wire cutters anyway and passed them to Emma before returning to the table. 

///

Regina had heard laughing, which reassured her slightly, she still didn’t like not knowing what was being said about her. 

Emma was returning to the table now so hopefully she could find out soon. 

It was seconds later before Emma had tucked her hair behind her ear and was whispering “I heard what you said and…

Regina turned to face her and saw a ring fashioned out of a guitar string 

“Really, right now” 

Emma was suddenly nervous “Yes right now and you haven’t given me an answer by the way” 

If Regina were feeling particularly evil she would have had fun with how nervous Emma was, but that would be cruel so instead she laughed again and said, “You haven’t actually asked me yet” 

The rest of the people around the table were barely containing themselves. 

Emma got down on one knee, “Regina Alexandra Mills, will you do me the greatest honour by marrying me” 

“Yes, Emma Rose Swan, I will, of course I will” 

Cheers erupted from everyone around the table, before laughing, Lucy had made a ring out of a napkin and was also proposing to Regina. 

Regina hugged her and said she was a little young for her but she would be her bridesmaid for sure, which seemed to be more than appease Lucy. 

The shyness overcame Emma again “the ring is only temporary, I will get you a proper one” 

Regina kissed her, and in that moment nothing else mattered, “I love it, I love you”

Lily had a conspiratorial look in her eye, making them both nervous. 

“Let’s get you two married today.” she squealed 

“WHAT” were both Regina and Emma’s responses. 

“My cousin is a pastor, it’s a Saturday- the church is free, if we leave it to you two we’ll be twenty eight years down the line in some cursed forgotten town in the middle of Maine” 

Ignoring the blatant dig at them both they decided to focus on the fact that they could get married today. It was crazy that they were even considering this right?

Regina couldn’t speak, didn’t know what to say. Was she sure that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Emma? Absolutely. Did she really want to get married in a matter of hours without having planned anything? I mean she was usually a planner and it had already been a long and taxing day yet she found herself wanting to just do it. To be spontaneous. She looked to Emma and could see a similar debate going on in her mind. 

Emma’s head was spinning and as crazy as it sounded she knew she wanted to marry Regina today. “The church does have a magical quality” 

“A magical quality” Regina laughed, more out of nerves than anything, before apologising if she offended anyone. They all shook it off. 

Ella saved the room for the residual awkward silence by saying “Come on, I'll get a dress with you” 

“I guess we’re doing this” was Regina’s reply, before turning to Emma and asking “Do you think my mom and Mal would be able to get here on your jet. I’d love them to be here. 

She heard herself and not for the first time marvelled at what her life had become, asking her soon to be wife if she could borrow her private jet to fly her family out to a wedding that was happening in a few hours. 

“Of course babe, we wouldn’t get married without your family” 

“I guess I’ll have to get used to pet names sweetie pie” Regina smirked. She briefly thought about asking whether she should ask about David, but they didn’t have time to go into that now. 

“Right enough eye sex and flirting you two we have a wedding to arrange and get to” Lily intervened. 

///

The next few hours passed in a blur but before she knew it Regina was stood next to her mother and Mal in a beautifully intricate, yet somehow understated lace a line dress just outside the doors to the church. Emma was right it did have a magical quality to it. Despite her mother criticising everything and anything in the two hours since she’d arrived, she turned to her daughter and said “Miha you look beautiful, and your papa would be so proud”.

Regina squeezed her mother's hand, willing herself not to cry. Yet. 

///

Emma the commitment phobe, the orphan who had never really known love, was about to marry the love of her life. She was never one to believe in those childish stories of love and pixie dust, but when you meet someone you know is the one, then even the possibility of a happy ending becomes a very powerful thing, this wasn’t an ending though. This was a beginning. 

She was nervous and fiddled with her bow tie (bow ties are cool) once more before Lily forced her hands still. 

///

The music, a slowed down version of shallow, began to play and with one deep breath, Regina stepped through the doors and began the walk down the aisle. 

Her first thought was don’t cry and don’t fall over. Her second was that Emma looked absolutely breathtaking. 

Of course she wasn’t in a dress, but the slim fitted black suit accentuated her stunning figure and made her legs look even longer. Her hair fell in loose waves down her back and glistened in the sun. The bow tie was unequivocally Emma, but damn it suited her. She was going to marry the woman of her dreams. 

Emma always thought Regina looked beautiful but seeing her walk down the aisle, well she looked stunning. Emma still couldn’t quite believe it was happening, but she thanked god that it was. 

As soon as Regina got to the end of the aisle, she hugged her mom and Mal, before squeezing Emma’s hand. They both needed reminding that this was real. 

Regina looked at the priest and thanked him for doing this so short notice, the priest simply smiled and said let’s do this thing. 

“Please be seated.” the priest began _ “First, I’d like to begin by welcoming everyone and thanking each and every one of you for being here on this happiest of days and at such short notice _

_ Some say this church has a magical quality (the priest paused to wink at Emma for that, and the congregation laughed) and that is no more so true when it is witness to the most magical of human emotions, love. _

_ The most remarkable moment in life is when you meet the person who makes you feel complete. The person who makes the world a beautiful and magical place. The person with whom you share a bond so special that it transcends normal relationships and becomes something so pure and so wonderful, that you can’t imagine spending another day of your life without them.  _

_ For many that moment is unexpected but the ability to grasp it, and love in it makes it even more remarkable.  _

_ Now I will leave the speeches to the brideswoman and the maid of honour later but I will say that I know that this love story is something special, and I only hope it continues for many years to come. Regina and Emma you clearly cherish each other through all that is good and all that is bad. _

_ I wish I could tell you a single story about Regina and Emma that summarizes their relationship and how they enrich each other’s lives, and the lives of each of us, but the truth is there isn’t one single event that is a good encapsulation of what they mean to me, to each other, and to all of us. But what I do know is that both of them care deeply and passionately for each other; they protect each other; they make each other laugh and think outside themselves; that time magically seems to both fly and slow down when they’re together. They help each other in ways that are obvious and unnoticed, but always appreciated. _

_ So, without further ado… _

_ Dearly beloved and honored guests: _

_ We are gathered together here to join Emma Rose Swan and Regina Alexandra Mills in the union of marriage. _

_ This contract is not to be entered into lightly, but thoughtfully and seriously, and with a deep realization of its obligations and responsibilities. _

_ The brides have each prepared vows that they will read now. _

Emma had performed in front of thousands of people all screaming her name. She’d been an orphan most her life. She’d spoken at her dad’s funeral, but somehow this, saying how much she loved Regina, was the scariest thing she could do. She took a deep breath and said:

_ “Regina, you know neither of us are great decisions, which is why we’re here, but if there is one decision in my life that I know is the right one, it’s to spend the rest of my life with you. There is an infinite number of things I love about you. I love your thoughtfulness and your ability to keep me grounded. I love your loyalty to me and our relationship, even when I run away, or turn to other comforts and make it so much more difficult. I love how when you laugh really hard, your one eye starts to crinkle up. I love how that even though I’ve known you a matter of months, it feels like you’ve been with me forever (in a good way). I promise to love you, I promise to love me, I promise that I will be better, because nothing matters in this world if I don’t have you.”  _

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house or church, whatever. Regina hugged Emma tight, I love you. 

Someone, probably Cora cleared their throat and Regina took a step back and crumpled paper that Mal handed her. She wasn’t about to try and memorise what she wrote, she was already an emotional wreck. 

_ “Emma when you walked into that bar I was struck, not only by your beauty but the way you sat and you listened to me.To my voice. That is one of the billion reasons I love you. I love your laugh, your smile, your caring nature and that face you make when something is so cute, you just have to squeeze it. I promise to support you, to honor you and to love you unconditionally, even when we may disagree on something or you know everything. Our journey to today hasn’t been easy. Who knows what tomorrow's journey will bring.So, without further ado, let’s remember to listen, let’s try not to rush the moments and let’s have a lot of fun. Emma Swan I believe in you”  _

  
  


“And now the moment that makes those vows official” The priest stated before beginning

“Emma Rose Swan, do you take Regina Alexandra Mills to be wife?

Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, and protect her, forsaking all others, and holding only unto her forevermore?”

“I do.” Emma said, tears now flowing freely

“And Regina Alexandra Mills, do you take Emma Rose Swan to be your wife?

Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, and protect her, forsaking all others, and holding only unto her forevermore?”

“I do.” Regina was only slightly more composed than Emma but would be forever indebted to the person who invented waterproof mascara

“Emma and Regina will now exchange rings as a symbol of love and commitment to each other. Rings are a precious metal; they are also made precious by you wearing them. Your wedding rings are special; they enhance who you are. They mark the beginning of your long journey together. Your wedding ring is a circle—a symbol of love never ending. It is the seal of the vows you have just taken to love each other without end.”

Emma took a deep breath, and accepted a tissue from Lily, at least someone came prepared. 

Emma, please place the ring on Regina’s left hand and repeat after me:

As a sign of my love

_ “As a sign of my love” _

That I have chosen you

_ That I have chosen you _ ”

Above all else

_ “Above all else _ ”

With this ring, I thee wed.

_ “With this ring, I thee wed.” _

God it felt so perfect. The ring was a simple silver band encrusted with a miniature diamond. Regina smiled before turning to the priest, ready to exchange hers. 

And Regina, please place the ring on Emma’s left hand and repeat after me:

As a sign of my love

_ “As a sign of my love” _

That I have chosen you

_ That I have chosen you _ ”

Above all else

_ “Above all else _ ”

With this ring, I thee wed.

_ “With this ring, I thee wed.” _

It was perfect, this moment was perfect. 

And now by the power vested in me by Jesus Christ, it is my honor and delight to declare you married. Go forth and live each day to the fullest. You may seal this declaration with a kiss.

It was the moment they’d both been waiting for, their first kiss as a married couple, they closed their eyes and lost themselves in the moment. 

The kiss was their promise to each other, more than their words than they’d just exchanged, that no matter what happens, they loved each other. Forever and always

Their moment was interrupted by the priest, “I am so pleased to present the newlyweds, Emma Rose and Regina Alexandra Swan Mills”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our lovebirds are married. Finally.


	11. Honeymoons and Heartbreaks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the calm comes the storm. Hold onto your hats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like this chapter but its a short one and then it gets better, well kind of.

The only trouble with spontaneously getting married is that you actually have to get up the next day. 

Or at least get out of bed. 

Which is something neither of them wanted to do at all. 

They’d promised themselves they’d sleep, but then they’d spent the entire night tracing every scar, kissing every pimple. 

It sounded cliche but it was different, they took their time to savour every last second, took every opportunity to call each other wife, or we’re married. 

With the promise of getting away on a honeymoon soon they reluctantly got out of bed. 

Regina opened the curtains and instantly regretted it, right across the street was a billboard with her face and name on it. 

Emma hugged her from behind, and whispered “You made it baby” 

Regina tried to focus on her wife (she would never get tired of saying or thinking that) but she couldn’t. It was all a bit too much. 

She rushed an apology and then ran into the bathroom locking herself in there. 

Emma took a deep breath and sunk back down on the bed. She wished Regina would just believe in herself and she hated that part of the reason her confidence was so low was because of her. 

She quickly got dressed before knocking on Mal’s room next door. 

“Hey, Re-- Emma”

“Regina’s got scared and I think she needs a friend” 

“You’re her wife” was Mal’s clipped reply. 

Emma knew Mal, understandably had some reservations about their relationship, but they didn’t have time for this now. 

“I know” Emma couldn’t help but smile as she said that. “I also know that you don’t like or don’t trust me after the way I hurt Regina. And I get that I do. I want you to know I am sorry and I intend to spend the rest of my life proving to Regina just how sorry I am, but right now there are a lot of people down there waiting for her, and she needs her best friend, who has believed in her and been there from the very start to say that she’s got this” 

“I do like you, the trust will take a bit longer. Just don’t hurt her again” 

With that Mal followed Emma into their suite and knocked on the door to the bathroom, 

“Regina, it's me” 

“Come in” was Regina’s reply. 

Mal walked in to find Regina in the tub. 

“Why are we in the tub?” 

Regina ignored the question and instead a strew of barely coherent sentences came out 

“I don’t know what I was thinking. One song.One song I could do. But a whole album. No one wants that.” 

“I do” 

“You have to say that”. Came Regina’s childish reply

“I don’t and if I didn’t believe people wanted it or would buy it. I would tell you. Now I may not be Emma’s biggest fan (don’t interrupt me, please, that’s between me and Emma and we are working on it), but she’s right, You have a talent, and you have a voice the world deserves to hear. So come on let’s get out this tub and conquer the world” 

Regina smiled, “Mal I don’t say this enough but thank you for always being there.”

They shared a smile and it was a smile that had got them through so much. 

Regina had always been confident, in a reserved way. She had a steely determination, a flare which made people cower in their seats, as if they had been threatened by an Evil Queen or something. She could shut people up with a stare. She also lived her life in her mother's shadow. She was good but never good enough. The As should have been A*s. She should never have quit law school to follow her music dreams. 

Mal was the kid in high school that wouldn’t shut up. She knew everyone. Never seemed to do any work but still got amazing grades. At first Regina was afraid of her, Mal kind of reminded her of a dragon, but she soon got to know that it was all a mask and deep down Mal cared with everything she had. She acted like she didn’t care because it was easier that way. 

From a shy hi came to a budding friendship, one they vowed never to lose. To this day they had remained friends seeing each other through the good the bad and the ugly. 

  
  


“You’re welcome, and no need to thank me until you win a grammy and then I want at least 20 seconds of those boring ass speeches to be about me” Mal laughed

///

With Mal trying to get Regina to appear it meant it was left to Emma to engage with small talk with Zelena. God she hated small talk. 

The only thing worse than small talk was awkward silences. 

Zelena was the first to break it “No drink” Emma took a deep breath, she did not need to be going into that now. 

“No socks” 

Zelena offered an awkward laugh and they both decided silence would be better. 

///

“I know what will make you feel better” Mal said, pulling out her phone. 

Regina was confused until facetime connected and she heard “Hey girll”

“I got my Emma titties on” was Robin’s addition to the conversation. 

Regina couldn’t help but laugh. She didn’t miss the stench of old alcohol mixed with sweat, or the fact it was either a sauna or a freezer but damn she missed those girls. 

“Hi. I miss you” 

“Not as much as we miss you Queenie”, replied Killian. 

“Now we’d love to stay and chat but someone has places to be. You got this. We love you. Come back and perform some time” 

Regina’s heart felt full and she nodded that she would. 

Ending the call, Mal pulled her up from the tub. She took a deep breath and unlocked the door, walking back down the corridor. 

“Here she is the Queen of the hour” 

“Ugh please stop” was Regina’s response. 

Emma just laughed and tried not to be too smug that Regina hadn’t complained about her calling her Queen (among others) last night. 

Zelena shook her head, there was no pleasing some people. 

“You. Alec Baldwin. SNL. Season Finale” 

Ok so maybe Regina should have been slightly nicer to Zelena. 

“You got it” she stammered

“I did...well they wanted you so my job was a lot easier” 

If Regina hadn’t been having a fangirl meltdown she might have wondered why Zelena was being uncharacteristically human. 

She turned to Mal and they just screamed. She was going to be on SNL. This had to be some crazy dream, this couldn’t be her life. Moments ago this would have all been too much, but right here, right now, this was right where she needed to be. 

Emma spoke up, if you could call it that- it was barely more than a whisper. “ I know we’re on a schedule, but can I just speak to my wife a second outside” 

Zelena shot daggers before saying “Of course but you better just mean talk, if that hair comes back ruffled or that lipstick smudged you’ll regret it” 

Regina looked sheepish. Emma looked guilty. Mal just laughed. 

///

Emma took Regina’s hand and then lead her to the balcony. She was facing the billboard and Emma hugged her, she felt happy and she felt safe, and she just wished she could stay in that moment forever. 

“I’m proud of you babe. So proud. You’ve come so far and you deserve your name to be seen by everyone who walks or drives past that billboard, and all the others. Promise me one thing though”

Regina could feel her eyes filled with tears and good lord Zelena would kill her. “Of course darling, anything” 

“Tell the truth out there, because people are listening and trust me they won’t always listen. You owe it to you to be true to yourself, because what you say and how you say it, that’s beautiful.”

Regina took a step back, annoyed, she thought Emma understood. “I know that Emma, I may be a newbie to the industry but I’ve got this far in life. I know half the stuff we do is a lie. I know how hard it is, that’s why I need you. To help me. To support me. To believe in me on when the days I can’t remind myself.”

“I know, I know. I promise you I do. I didn’t mean to come across as judgemental. I just had to tell you because nobody told me.” 

“I’m not you Emma” Regina shouted.


	12. Why do you look so good in those jeans?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma takes it too far. Regina has to make a tough decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hang in there.

The next few days were spent in back to back rehearsals, which helped because it meant that Regina didn’t have to see Emma. She loved her. She did. That’s what made this so frickin hard. Why couldn’t Emma just be happy for her. 

Emma knew she’d gone too far, and she’d tried to apologise but with rehearsals for SNL and the rest of the album, and legal shit she had to deal with (a couple of venues had somehow learned of her love of drink and cancelled her performance). It was times like this when she missed David. She tidied up the house, hoping it would help her clear her mind. It didn’t. Damn she wanted a drink, but she knew that would be a step too far and she did need to give it up. She knew that. 

It was the day before SNL and they both knew they needed to talk. 

“Hey” Emma said “How are you feeling about tomorrow” 

“Hi, nervous, excited, some more nerves” Regina replied. 

“That’s normal. You’ll be amazing. I know you will. I am sorry. I overstepped. I don’t deserve you.”

“I know you were being supportive in your own fucked up way, and yes sometimes I need some help with all the industry shit, but I wrote all the songs, they’re my songs, I don’t let change anyone me.” 

“I know. I know. Can I hug you” 

Regina visibly relaxed. She hated their arguments. “Of course you can idiot” 

///

The following morning was an early one, complete with being rushed to one room to another, who knew it would take such a long time for what would be a ten minute piece of television. 

Emma kissed Regina before it was time to go live, wishing her luck, before taking her place backstage to watch the performance. 

Regina took a deep breath and the lights focused on her

_ Why do you look so good in those jeans? _

_ Why'd you come around me with an ass like that? _

_ You're making all my thoughts obscene _

_ This is not, not like me _

_ Why you keep on texting me like that? (Damn) _

_ Got other things I need my mind on, yeah _

_ Other responsibilities _

_ This is not, not like me _

Emma sighs. She knew there would be a song or songs about her. She wasn’t naive. Songs are often about love of some kind (falling in love, falling out of love, losing the one you love) but she didn’t expect it to be so...shallow. She was more than a person thats ass looked good in jeans (her ass did look amazing in jeans, and she knew that Regina appreciated it, but she hoped that their love, their marriage was based on more than that. 

She was happy for Regina though. This was her moment. She deserved it. 

Why did Emma look so good in those jeans? It wasn’t fair, the way they clung to like her they were painted on. Even thinking about it was making her wet. Fuck her. Fuck her long blonde hair. Fuck the way here smile revealed hidden dimples. Regina didn’t fall in love. Ever. Now here she was crash landing because of Emma. She had thought about what Emma had said more times than she probably should have, and as much as she hated it, part of her knew that Emma was right. This, dancing half naked, with a song that repeats the same 3 notes, over and over again, wasn’t her, not really, but she wouldn’t give Emma the satisfaction of being right. Not yet anyway. She just wanted to enjoy this. For a little while. 

///

Emma needs a minute, so turns around to gather her thoughts only to see a familiar face, David. 

“Hey what are you doing here” 

“I had a gig this way, thought I would check her out.” was David’s response. 

“Fair enough, she’s doing well for herself” Emma said, a smile gracing her face. Despite her thoughts of Regina’s song she was so proud of her wife. 

“She is” David replied “So are you, heard you two were married now” 

“We’re not an Adele song but yes we are married, and I am aware of how much I’m punching way above my weight” swallowing her pride Emma continued “I..I’m also glad you’re here. I was thinking of asking you to come back, manage me” 

She half expected David to laugh at her face and say no, but her brother was a much better person than her. “I’ll do it, but I need a favour from you. I got this guy he’s doing a show. Good voice, can’t play guitar for shit, will you do the backing for him” 

Emma hated doing backing, but she knew that this was a deal she could not refuse so she smiled and said “sure” 

“Really?” David asked surprised. 

“Yeah really, I’ve been a dick to a lot of people and I need to start making amends” Emma said nonchalantly

“I’ll see you in a few days then..but if you run into trouble, call me, you can be a dick sometimes but you’re family, you matter” 

Emma hugged her brother and agreed that if she needed anything she would call him. 

Regina comes off stage shortly after and Emma congratulates her on a great performance. Regina looks almost surprised, but takes the compliment happily and kisses Emma. 

“That was amazing” 

Their moment was brief, Regina had a full night photo shoot, ready for a magazine spread. No rest for the wicked. 

///

What seemed like a billion hours and poses later the photographer declared the shoot over, much to Regina’s relief. She didn’t think she could fake smile or tilt her head at another angle. 

She went over to the screen and looked at the photos, and yeah they looked pretty amazing, but her nose was smaller, her skin was flawless, her lip scar had been airbrushed out, she didn’t look like her. 

“They look fab” she heard behind her 

“Ze” , the two had shared a bottle of wine after one rehearsal and Regina realised Zelena just acted all tough because she had to. The music industry was still a man's world. 

“I have exciting news” 

“Does it involve coffee and bed, because it's been a long 24 hours and I’m running on empty” Regina remarked. 

“YOU’VE BEEN NOMINATED FOR THREE GRAMMY’S, including Best New Artist”

“Holy fucking shit”

“I’m proud of you Regina, and this this is just the start” 

“Thanks Ze, I got to go tell my wife”. 

///

Regina was exhausted but the grammy nominations definitely made the fact that she could barely keep her eyes open worth it. 

She couldn’t wait until she told Emma. 

She pulled up and saw the curtains still drawn. So help her god if Emma was drunk. 

///

Emma stumbles into the hallway when she hears a car pull up 

Regina opens the door to see Emma propped up by the wall

“You’re drunk. Of course you are. I can’t leave you for one night without coming home to this crap” 

Emma can’t be arsed with this, she’s too far gone to properly know what is going on so she takes another swig. 

“Yeah keep drinking because that will help” Regina says exasperated 

“I’m going for a bath. Sort this shit out before I get out” 

Emma was going to say something to Regina… what was it. 

She stumbles her way into the bathroom, focusing hard as she sits on the edge of the bath, she’s absolutely fucked. 

“Why’d you look so good in those jeans- I’m not a piece of meat” it’s supposed to be angry but in the state she’s in it just sounds pathetic. 

“No you’re embarrassing, this is the third time you’ve ruined something for me Emma. You’re supposed to be my girlfriend, my wife” 

Regina looked away, already knowing what was coming, and knowing that Emma would take it as far more than a slip of the tongue. 

“You already got a girlfriend. Who the fuck is she slut?” 

“STOP” 

“It was a slip of the tongue. Maybe if you acted like my wife I wouldn’t have said it. You don’t have to like my fucking songs, you have to like me, you have to love me. Clean your shit up because I’m serious, this is your last chance. You aren’t ruining this for me.” Regina storms out of the bathroom. She will not cry. 

“You’re fucking ugly.” Emma screams. 

“Get the fuck out, you ungrateful bitch” Regina doesn’t care anymore. She can’t live like this.


	13. Only love can hurt like this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma finally admits she needs help and the two ladies begin to talk about everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another tough one but the ladies are working towards a better future.

Emma grabbed her guitar and stormed out of the house. She didn’t know where she was going. At this point she didn’t care. She’d crash somewhere before making it to the gig tomorrow night. After that was anyone’s guess. She should probably figure out what to do with her life. 

She finds a hotel, it’s cheap enough that some sleazy reporter won’t be here by the morning, but it’s not expensive enough to be the kind of place that would recognise her and try and phone to get her ‘help’. It also has a bar that sells alcohol so it will do her just fine. 

She drinks until the barman cuts her off and she somehow manages to get to her room, they’d given her one on the ground floor which she usually hates because its noisy and everyone seems to have to go past your room- tonight she doesn’t care. 

She’s fucked up the only good thing in her life and she can’t bring herself to care. Caring, opening her heart, that just reminds her how much she has just lost. 

///

Regina is fuming, how dare Emma speak to her like that. The worst part of the whole fucked up situation is that part of her isn’t surprised. Part of her was expecting it to end like this. It still hurts like hell though. She wanted to support Emma, and help her, but Emma needed to want the help in the first place and right now, it seemed like the only thing she cared about was where her next drink was coming from. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go.

That doesn’t make it any easier. 

She grabbed the phish food ben and jerry’s from the freezer, a spoon and flicked the channels until something suitably mindless and vaguely amusing came on- what it was she couldn’t tell you. 

///

Morning comes around too fast for Emma, she’s definitely still drunk, but at this point she doesn’t care. 

She showers going through the motions because that’s all she can do right now. 

It’s a few hours later and she goes through the motions, putting on a good show (at least from the fans reactions). She stands there on the stage and for the first time in a long time she feels nothing. She can’t hear herself or the audience- her hearing has rapidly deteriorated. Something which she should probably see the doctor about. The fans faces are blurred there are so many of them. The music seems hollow. At least the fans liked it. 

She briefly considers calling David- she’d promised she would if things got difficult but at the same time she couldn’t deal with pity, not in the state she was in. 

///

The ice cream helped and crappy tv helped a little, but it also meant that Regina felt they’d crossed an invisible line into “taking a break” territory. Crying into a tub of ice cream days after you got married definitely wasn’t a good thing. 

Still she didn’t have time to mope, so she set up the coffee machine (trying desperately not to think that that was something Emma usually did) and hopped in the shower before dashing off to the studio. 

///

It’s not until the following day that Emma finally sobers up and realises how much of a dickhead she’s been. She called the most beautiful person she’s ever had the fortune of knowing ugly, diminished her career, and the fact that her insane talent had meant she was nominated for three grammys. The only award Emma would be winning would be world’s worst wife, if Regina hadn’t already filed for divorce. 

She decides that whatever way this is going to go there’s no use in delaying it so she checks her phone (they’d synced their calendars because apparently sometimes they could act like a normal couple) and heads to the studio. At least if they meet there Regina can’t kill her and she can’t drink. 

She watches Regina train, and she’s not and will never be entirely sold on the song, but Regina’s happy and that is all that matters. If only she showed Regina she actually meant that. 

///

Regina knows she’s there before she turns to see her, and she is aware of how ridiculous that sounds. Part of her is annoyed because she needs to concentrate- dancing is not what she’s confident in. Part of her is glad that Emma’s still alive. Part of her is frustrated in herself because Emma needs to learn she can’t keep doing this, and Regina knows whatever she’s about to say is going to remind her of the real Emma. She waits until the next break before heading over to Emma, who is looking rightfully sheepish. 

“I said some things. Some awful things. Things I wish I could take back” Emma said earnestly, trying desperately to look Regina in the eyes, but not quite managing it, the embarrassment and shame evident. 

“You hurt me. Really hurt me. We’re supposed to be married, Emma, you can’t keep doing this. Do you know how shit it feels when I get good news and then I come home to tell my wife and she’s drunk and tells me I’m ugly. I want to be in this together Emma, not be afraid of a fight. So I’m going to ask you a question and please answer it honestly.” 

Emma nods, she’s not sure she trusts herself to speak. 

“What are you going to do to help yourself stop Emma?”

It’s the one question Emma wishes she could answer. She’s tried to find the answer numerous times before. It’s not easy though, giving up something which has become a security blanket. 

“I um I have an appointment with my old therapist tomorrow, apparently he’s not quite old enough to retire yet. I uh I also spoke to my brother and agreed to help him. I’m taking a break from my own tour. I can’t do it. I can barely hear anything anyway and it’s just too easy to fall back. I am going to be better Regina, but I need to tell you, it will be hard for me, for both of us, I can’t promise that I’m always going to be easy to be around. Withdrawal is worse than me being drunk. I can barely function.” 

“I’m proud of you for seeing a therapist. And why didn’t you tell me you’d reached out to David, I know that can’t have been easy for you. I know it will be hard and Emma I’ll be here, as long as you are trying to be better, I’ll be here. I love you. I want to be with you, until the end, but I can’t be with you that greeted me a couple of days ago.” 

“Eh well David was at your SNL performance, something about another act and needing backup guitar, to ring him if I got bad again, so yeah and I am sorry” 

“Let’s put it behind us now, it’s done, look to the future. Oh and go home and have a shower. You stink.” Regina said, hugging Emma. 

That’s exactly what they did and they spent the night cuddled up watching wild child and white chicks and eating chinese. A perfect night. 

///

Emma hates therapy. She’s not sure anyone particularly likes it, but she hates it with a passion. Yet here she is. Again. Looking at the white walls, why are they always white, it’s so clinical, before feigning interest in one of the many leaflets on the tables she’s glad at least she is the only one in the waiting room. 

The receptionist, she thinks she said her name was Belle, comes over and asks her to fill in a questionnaire. 

She thinks the questionnaire’s are stupid too, she wouldn’t be here if everything was sushine and unicorns. 

She knows this attitude isn’t helpful so she takes a deep breath and fills in the form. 

Another few minutes before she hears Archies calming voice calling her name. 

She follows him into the room and flopped down on the battered couch, she’s joined seconds later by Archie’s therapy dog, pongo. 

She pets his back and she really wants a dog, has always wanted a dog, maybe once the dust settles she can ask Regina about getting one. 

Archie affords her a couple of minutes, he’s an excellent therapist and he’s known Emma most of her life, which helps. “So Emma, it’s been a long time since I last saw you, why don’t you catch me up in the life of Emma Swan” 

Emma likes that he doesn’t asks, he never asks how are you- she hates that question. No one ever asks it when they know you’re good. She feels like that question is always there to trip you up. 

“I don’t think anyone would want to watch that show, doc” Emma laughs awkwardly “I wrote some more music, found a girl, we’re married now. She’s amazing. I’m not. I’ve let her down too many times. Drinking is easier than talking you know. I love her. I can’t lose her. So I have to stop. I want to stop. Not just for her. I want to stop for me too. It’s just too hard. Fell out with my brother. My hearings got worse” 

“I think a lot of people would, but your life isn’t a reality TV show so let’s not get bogged down in that, and don’t think that I don’t know by now that you use humour as a deflection tactic. I’m proud of you though, for telling me all that, you didn’t have to and before you say it, yes I would have encouraged you to open up in future sessions, but this session is about me finding out where you are” 

“Everyone keeps saying they are proud of me. I’m not a child. And I’ve done nothing to be proud of. I keep messing up. “

“No you aren’t a child, and I, and I’m sure your wife 

“Regina” Emma supplies, 

“Regina doesn’t say it to be condescending but because we all need that confirmation Emma, that someone is proud of us, regardless of age. I know it may seem silly to you but the ability to recognise one’s failings- that is something to be very proud of, no matter how many times you screw up.” 

“I guess” 

“I know, so I know the main goal is to stop with the drinking, but don’t go cold turkey, that could cause more harm. It’s about detoxing and managing the behaviour. Today though I think we need to focus on what makes you want to drink or need to drink” 

“Everything. My brain gets so full and I can’t focus which annoys me, I forget things, I feel out of control, I feel like I’m letting people down so I have a drink, and that just leads to more, before the cycle starts again” 

“They’re all perfectly normal triggers Emma and there are ways you can tackle them. First of all I want you to keep a diary in it I want you to write down every negative thing you think or hear about yourself. I also want you to write down everything positive thing you hear about yourself or think about yourself. Today is wednesday, usually our appointments will be every week but I think we’ll have one on Friday this week, because weekends are usually a bit more difficult for most people so I’ll have Belle set you up a time. You have my number though, if you need me, call it.”

“I will'' and thank you Archie”

///

Emma rings Regina and fills her in on the basics of the session, it's a rushed phone call, Regina is mid rehearsal, but this talking to each other, filling each other in is a hell of a lot more healthy than what Emma was doing before. 

Emma hails a cab, one of the perks of being semi famous, they actually stop, and makes her way over to meet her brother. 

She arrives and the band have just set up, she apologises to her brother, he knew why she was a bit late, and he pats her on the back. He doesn’t say anything which she appreciates it. She does feel a little better she supposes, she feels like she’s at ‘go’ on the monopoly board, whether she ends up in Mayfair or Jail depends on the roll of a dice. 

She’s not usually a fan of backing guitar, goes back to the whole liking to be in control, but she thinks that this is something that will help. Just playing music and not having to focus on anything else. Her brother was right, the guy has a good voice, but he can’t play the guitar for shit. 


	14. Chapter 14

As a kid, everyone has those moments that they dream of. Some kids dream they’re an astronaut, some kids think they’re going to rediscover dinosaurs, some kids want to be a nurse or a footballer, some kids want fortnite 2.

Regina’s big dream was to be a singer, to be nominated for a Grammy. She never for a second it would come true. Yet here she was. A house in the hills, with her famous girlfriend, surrounded by her friends and family, getting ready for the Grammys. It was surreal. 

There’s one person that’s not here, and he should be, he really should be. She excuses herself, she won’t cry. She just needs a moment. It’s a few minutes before she hears footsteps, she turns slowly and lets out a small sigh of relief when she realises it’s her mom. 

“Regina, honey, I know I don’t say this enough, and I know I pushed you towards law or politics, but I’m proud of you, of everything you’ve become and everything you will become. Whatever happens, enjoy tonight.” her mum said, coming up behind her to embrace her

“Thanks ma, it means a lot,” she replies. Her relationship with her mum is still complex but the one good thing to come out of this mess is that they are getting closer. 

“He’d be so proud of you, your papa. So proud. He’d have at least doubled your album sales. “ 

“You mean you haven’t?!” Regina says with a shaky laugh. 

They’re both in their glad rags and dolled up to the 9s so they won’t cry, no matter how much they want to. They do hold each other a little bit tighter and hope that one of the stars will be glowing extra bright tonight. 

Before leaving the kitchen, and putting her best smile on, Regina touched the feather tattoo on her wrist and said: 

“You can let go now daddy, I think your little girl is ready to do this on her own.” 

Regina returns to the room and is somewhat surprised to see even more people have arrived. Some she recognises, some she’s sure she hasn’t seen in her life before. It doesn’t matter not really, it means a lot that they are all here to celebrate her success in getting to that stage. There is one person , aside from her father , who is noticeable missing, Emma. She smiles politely and greets a few more people before making it to the bedroom. Emma is lying on the bed, looking slightly worse for wear. 

“Hey, I’m missing you out there” Regina said

“I know I will be out in a minute . It’s just a lot. I haven’t had a drink in nearly two days and there’s so many people and so much temptation I just needed a little time” 

“Take all the time you need, and remember im here for you. Whatever you need.” 

Emma got up and pecked Regina on the cheek “I know babe” 

“I hate it when you call me that” 

“Now you’re lying...babe” 

They were both in fits of giggles and had somehow ended up on the bed, it was Emma who reluctantly sat up. “Let’s not start something we can’t finish” 

“Who says I have any intentioning of not finishing?” Regina smirked. 

“Reginaaa. Stop being a tease. There are god knows how many people here for you. To celebrate you. As much as I would like to spend time kissing every single part of you and more we have to get you ready for the Grammy’s” 

Regina couldn’t argue with that but they both made a promise to return to this later. 

///

The drive to Staples Centre should only be a matter of minutes, but this is LA on an awards night so it takes double the time it should.

The red carpet passes in a chorus of look this way, smile, pout, head to the left, and a flash of bulbs. 

The actual ceremony itself is long, but tolerable. Everyone here is united by music and that's a special feeling. 

Emma leaves, is performing as part of her brothers act, and begins to shake. She’d felt bad all day. Withdrawal is a bitch but she didn’t want to ruin Regina’s day. She takes a deep breath and realises that she’s late coming in. Shit. She joins in the next verse and thankfully outside those few that have seen the rehearsal think that it was intentional. 

Before long it is the Best Newcomer category, Emma is back at Regina’s side. Regina feels sick. 

The montage seems to take forever. Waiting to open the envelope and read the name, even longer. 

The winner of the Grammy for Best Newcomer category is Regina Swan Mills. 

She is in shock. Everyone else around her is screaming, but she sits their mouth agape until someone, Zelena, is pulling her up. Emma congratulates her and they both slowly make their way to the stage. 

Regina is still in shock to think anything of it until they get closer to the stage and she realises how shaky and cold Emma is. She squeezes her hand and tells her to stay on the steps, Emma nods, but it’s clear she didn’t fully listen. 

Regina goes on stage and begins her speech. 

“Thank you. I am not going to start naming names because I’ll forget so many people. Thank you to everyone who made this award possible for me tonight. Someone very special told me mere months ago that if you are blessed with a voice and words that the world needs to hear then don’t be afraid to use it.” 

It’s then that she sees Emma stumble up the steps and please no. 

“That’s my wife. My beautiful wife” 

Regina smiles and goes to hug (read prop up) Emma.

“Aw always the romantic, hun” 

No one could have predicted what happens next but before anyone can react Emma is hurling everywhere. 

There’s a flurry of activity and a convenient cut to a commercial break but in the age of social media it’s too late. 

They are taken backstage and Regina doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. 

“Regina I know at this point it seems redundant but I am so sorry. I didn’t know I was going to be sick until it was too late. I swear to you I haven’t had a drink, it’s the withdrawal. I felt rough all day but didn’t want to ruin today for you so left ringing anyone until tomorrow.” 

“I’m not angry Emma. I’m disappointed. I know you were struggling but we agreed to talk about this. You agreed to call Archie if you needed him, or your brother. “

“I know. I know” 

At that moment Zelena and David entered the room. They’d clearly been talking. 

“Emma you’re going home with David now. You will release a statement tomorrow. David will go over it in the morning” 

“Regina we’ll get you changed for the after party now, all the interviews will ask about what happened. Steer it back to your win. They’ll get their story either way but we need to start damage control.” 

Emma nodded meekly, in all honesty she expected worse. 

Regina didn’t take it so calmly. 

“I’m not a puppet and yes Emma screwed up but I’m not going to let them trash talk my wife” 

Emma knew that this was her chance to begin and smooth things over with Zelena at least. 

“Regina. I screwed up. I ruined your moment (and don’t say I didn’t because we both know that’s a lie). Your support means everything, truly, but this is your career, not mine. I have fucked up enough. I’m not letting you get dragged down even more. I will deal with the press and I promise you can look at the statement before it’s released. Enjoy your night. “ Emma sounds dejected and she is but she’s also been in this industry longer than Regina and knows that the press are vultures. As much as they care about a fairytale romance, nothing beats a celebrity scandal. 

Zelena gave a half approving smile. 

David hugged his sister. The next few days would be rough. Press and withdrawal are not a good combination, but listening to both Regina and Emma, he knew they could do it. 

///

It was the morning after the night before and both Emma and Regina were convinced that there was not enough coffee in the world to make today any less than shit. 

Emma hadn’t slept. A combination of guilt, anxiety and withdrawal. She had written and rewritten the bloody statement a million times and it still sounded fake and conceited. She knew it didn’t matter what it said anyway. Her loyal fans would defend her anyway, wish her and Regina the best through this difficult time. The vultures would use this as another reason she’d be better off dead already. 

Regina hasn’t slept much better. She’d clambered into bed at about 4am, mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. She wanted to sleep for a hundred years but she couldn’t. Her mind was full. She’d won a frickin grammy for christs sake. It was amazing, and a moment she’d doubt she would ever forget for multiple reasons, but it was tainted by not being able to spend it with Emma. 

She knew it was the right decision for Emma to go home. Knew that they had to start damage control straight away, it didn’t make it any easier though. 

///

“Morning” was David’s cheery remarks, and Emma hoped he knew how lucky he was that there was nothing throwable near him. 

“Don’t” 

“Someone’s grumpy” 

“I wonder why” Emma sneering replied

“Come on Ems, being like this isn’t going to help. Now where’s that statement I know you spent all night writing” 

She scowled again before thrusting a crumpled piece of paper at him: 

_ I deeply regret my actions last night. I apologise to everyone at the Grammys and the public who witnessed it. I know I have fans of all ages who look up to me, and see me as a role model, something which I failed to execute properly yesterday. I do not seek to make excuses, but I do say this with the utmost sincerity. I am trying to be better. I am going to be better but I have a long way to go. This is my promise to my fans, to my family and to anyone reading this.  _

_ I have many demons I need to conquer and am currently in the process of seeking the relevant help. As such I am taking an indefinite break from any music commitments.  _

_ My beautiful wife, Regina Swan Mills, deserved that Grammy and the world. I ask that my actions last night do not distract from her incredible achievement.  _

_ Finally I ask that I am given due privacy and respect while dealing with my demons.  _

_ -Emma Swan _

It feels false. It’s not. Emma means what she says on there, it just doesn’t sound like her, but unfortunately she doesn’t think I’m fucking sorry I ruined everyone’s fucking night but mind your own bloody business is going to cut it. 

David grimaces. “It’s good, general, not too suck up to the vultures, but Em this doesn’t sound like you. At all.” 

“I know I know. I just don’t know what to say. I’m embarrassed and a fucking mess.” 

“We’ll look at it together” 

///

It’s an hour or so later when Regina comes into the room. Still exhausted but finally admitting no matter how hard she tries she isn’t going to get more sleep. 

“Hey” she says. 

“Hey” is Emma’s sheepish reply. 

“Don’t. Don’t apologise. I know you’re sorry and you didn’t ruin everything. I still won a Grammy. I’m just scared Emma, because you can’t survive like this, and I can’t lose you. I can’t. “

It’s a conversation they’ve had a million times before and they both know it. They both know that something drastic has to happen. They’re just both scared of what that means. 

“I know, I really do, and I’m going to get help. I I er checked into rehab. 3 months. I can’t stand the thought of not seeing you every day either and I know this is going to be hard. I need to do this though. I know I have no right to ask you this but please can you do me one favour. Promise me you’ll wait for me” 

“Forever and Always, Emma Swan, Forever and always”. 

They kissed like it was the last night of the world, hugged each other tight and looked at each other. 

“I’ll always remember us like this, with love in our eyes and hope in our hearts” 


	15. Love will find a Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma is in recovery. Regina helps her through it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the peunltimate chapter but its another difficult one. It deals with a lot of things which I don't feel qualified enough to talk about so please be nice

Emma grabs her bag and take a moment. It seems final. It seems like a goodbye. She knows that whatever happens she has to do this. She has to look after herself but she's scared. Terrified. What if by looking after herself she loses everything and everyone she holds dear. Logically she knows that's not true. But logic is no match for crippling anxiety. 

Still she takes a deep breath and heads out to the car. She can do this. She will do this. 

Her and David are both oddly quiet on the drive.

They let the radio play- there's a moment when Regina song plays. David goes to turn the radio off (I thought it would be too painful) and Emma goes to turn it up.

“We've not broken up. I just needed to do this for me, for us”

The radio is left on and nothing more is said. David mentions a girl he's been seeing (Emma decides this is not the time to say she and Regina have known about this for months), Mary Margaret, she sounds a bit snow white ish to Emma but a lovely and sweet girl and perfect for David. She's happy for him. David deserves happiness and someone who appreciates his charm. 

They arrive at the centre and why do rehab places always look so stark. So white. 

There's a ton of paperwork and Emma glances over it and signs where she's told. She could have signed her life away for all she really knows (she supposes in some ways she has, at least for the next few months). 

She tries not to cry as she hugs David goodbye. She'd kept it in when she said bye to Regina but its hitting her now how hard it is going to be to do this on her own. 

She gets assigned to her room and it's okay but it's a bit plain. It lacks anything personal and for a moment it takes her back to being 18 years old and in prison. 

After tossing and turning exhaustion eventually gets the better of her and she falls asleep. 

The next morning she is awoken by a shrill alarm and that is going to get annoying quick. She checks her schedule (another thing already annoying her) and it's day 1 and she's already late. 

She sits down, somewhat sheepishly, on the only empty space in the room. 

The therapist who greeted her last night welcomes her, but is clearly annoyed at her tardiness, perhaps as punishment or just to prove a point he asks her if she has her journal. She doesn't. 

He audibly sighs but says nothing and for that Emma is grateful. It doesn't stop her being embarrassed though. She needs to take this seriously. 

"I I am just trying to hold it together. I'm an alcoholic. A drug addict. Trying to hold my life together. Obviously not very well because I'm here. Sorry I use jokes as a way to try and make things less awkward sometimes. I am here because I want to get better. I want a life where I can remember the good times instead of it being a blur. I am here because I am fed up of constantly feeling like I’m falling. Like I need a drink or a sniff of something to make my life worth living when there are so many other reasons, so many other people I want to live for.” 

“Thank you Emma, the first step is getting here, and that is the truth. If you want to get better, to cope better if you will. It won’t be easy but it is possible” 

The days pass by one by one, and at first Emma hates it, swears that somehow in this little corner of the world they have managed to slow down time. 

After a week it gets easier, the days don’t drag as much and Emma finds time to reconnect with things she’d stopped doing eons ago. 

She’s started reading again, and she’d forgotten how good it was to just read a book from cover to cover. To lose yourself within the pages, discovering other worlds, rooting for the characters, which by the end are almost your friends. 

She started drawing too- just sketches, nothing special but it helps to settle her, helps to calm the mess in her head. Sometimes she draws something- a flower or a scene or Regina. Other times it’s more of a doodle. She draws when she wants a drink, it’s less often now, that burning desire for anything alcoholic, but it still simmers just beneath the surface. 

Today Emma has an extra spring in her step, Regina is visiting today and she’s excited. Unbelievably nervous but excited. She only has 3 weeks left, all being well, and she feels like she is nearly ready to go home. To make something of herself. That’s all she’s ever wanted to do. 

Regina arrives and is told that Emma is in the pool, she nods politely and makes her way outside, taking a minute to just breathe. She’s nervous- of what she’s not quite sure, actually know that’s a lie. She’s nervous of change, deep down everyone is, she believes Emma has changed for the better, part of her is just scared that that means their relationship has changed. 

The nerves give way to another feeling the moment she sees Emma in the pool. Last time she’d seen Emma she’d been gaunt, weak, her hair almost limp. She’d looked ill. Now, Now Emma looked incredible. Her eyes had that familiar sparkle, her skin was lightly tanned- her muscles toned. Fuck.

Emma noticed her and waved before climbing out of the pool and Regina couldn’t stop her jaw dropping, a fact that Emma noticed and laughed at. 

“I’m looking better aren’t I Mills” she teased. 

“It’s Swan Mills now Em-ma and yes yes you are”

It was a game they couldn’t afford to play, teasing each other like this, not when they both knew nothing could happen. As much as they wanted each other the wait was nearly over. 

The mood turned slightly sombre and Emma sunk down on the grass beside her. 

“3 weeks” 

They both exhaled. 3 weeks wasn’t long. Not compared to the 2 months they had already had apart. They could do it. They sat there on the edge of a pool in a comfortable silence for a few moments before Regina whispered

“You are going to come back” it was barely audible and the fear was evident in her voice. 

Emma took a deep breath. Where had that come from. 

“Of course...you you do want me to come back don’t you” 

Regina let out the breath she didn’t know she was holding in and nodded. 

Emma waited, there was more Regina wanted to say. She was scared but part of her recovery was recognising when she needed to just listen and wait. 

Regina placed her hand on top of Emma’s. 

“Emma, I need to say this and please just listen I’ve gone to Archie’s. We both have our demons that we need to deal with. 

I love you, more than anything in this world, and I can’t wait until you are back. I need to know if you really want me. I guess I am scared that without the booze, without the drugs you’ll hate me, break my heart and I am not sure I can deal with that. I know it’s a battle but it got really bad when we were together.” 

Emma closed her eyes. 1,2,3,4,5. She knew she’d hurt Regina, a lot, knew there were issues in their relationship but she didn’t realise quite how much Regina had shouldered the blame. 

“Regina, I love you too. I drink because I always have done. Until I came here I don’t think I realised how much I drank, how much I took. I knew I had a problem, knew it was too much, but not how much. It didn’t get bad because of you - you are the one that made me care enough to get help. You are the only one that knew about my issues and didn’t run for the hills. I am better, well getting there, and I want to do that with you. So please don’t blame yourself but if this is going to be too hard for you, I need you to be honest with me too” 

“I want to be with you and I want you to be happy” 

“I’m working on that, and you are a big part of my happiness” 

They leant forward and kissed. It said more than any words could. It was a kiss that felt like home. 

After a few minutes they reluctantly pulled apart, if they kept going they wouldn’t stop. 

Regina smiled, and Emma would never ever get fed up of that smile, and pulled out a piece of paper. Emma knew what it was instantly. 

“Emma Marie Swan have you written a love song about me” 

Emma could feel herself blush, not that she really knew why she was so embarrassed, “Maybe but it needs work” 

“Will you sing it to me” 

Emma beamed, “Of course but like I said it needs work, so don’t be too harsh” 

“Never, darling” 

Emma barely makes it throughout the first verse before she stops and starts weeping. 

Regina’s shocked, she’s been so strong all the time she’s been here. Now, now the tears are flowing freely and Regina’s not quite sure what to do. She reaches over and rubbed small circles into Emma’s back while her breathing returns to something resembling normality. Emma’s trying to say something but amongst the crying and deep breaths it’s incomprehensible. 

“Emma look at me, take a deep breath in. And out. You’re ok.” 

Emma looks at Regina and does as she’s asked. She’s scared. That much is obvious. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry” she says, tears threatening to fall again. 

“We’ve been through this. It’s ok. You’re ok, you’re getting better. I’m ok. We love each other and we’re both here, so we’re more than okay” 

“I I embarrassed you though. I ruined that moment for you.”

“I’m not embarrassed of you, Emma” Regina almost pleaded, she needed Emma to believe that. 

“Your Mum” Emma starts before trailing off. 

“My mum loves you, sure she was a little upset, but she was upset because she couldn’t be there for you. She sees how much you mean to me so she loves you. Plus you encourage her ridiculous notions that she’s some forgotten singer”

Emma gives a watery smile followed by a belly laugh and Regina smiles. She has to leave soon and she’s happy that she’s leaving Emma a little happier and knowing that despite the fact that everything has changed, they are still the two idiots that fell in love. 

The moment is broken when Emma says “It’s time for you to go isn’t it?”

Regina nods “ 3 weeks darling”

It’s Emma’s turn to nod “3 weeks, I got this, we got this” 

Regina doesn’t want to leave, but she has to. They’re nearly there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the next chapter is better.


	16. Forever and Always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter. It's been a bumpy ride but they made it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're here!!
> 
> Thank you to Laurathechef84 who helped me with this chapter

Regina goes straight from the rehab centre to the studio to meet Zelena. She had a meeting with her anyway but after seeing Emma she was more sure of what needed to happen next than ever before. Zelena wouldn’t like it but she wasn’t going down without a fight. 

“I figured out the best option going forward,” she stated. 

“Hello to you too Regina” was Zelena’s reply

“Hey Ze, how are you, I figured out the best option going forward. Emma comes on tour with me, at least for the first leg of my tour. We start with the duets and then Emma goes backstage” It came out as more rushed and desperate than she would have liked, but forceful nonetheless. 

“You must be joking. Look I love you Regina, and I have (mostly) forgiven for Emma for that slip and am so happy she’s getting the help she needs but there is no way she’s going on stage with you. It’s too soon. For both of you.” Zelena countered. 

“If you can’t make it happen, cancel the tour Zelena. I’m not doing it without Emma” Regina demanded. 

“Regina get out of your fucking head. You were with Emma for what half a day and she’s already got like this- ready to throw your career away. Whether you or Emma likes it, the ‘incident’ at the Grammy’s cost both of you. Yes Emma might be getting better, but do you really think her coming back home and going straight back on the road is going to help.” 

“Fuck off Zelena. Emma has never made me do anything so you can stop insinuating that she’s controlled me. I want Emma, my wife, whom I have barely seen for 3 months to be by my side for my first solo tour. She made a mistake. A mistake she’s eaten up herself about and continues to pay for. We can’t turn back time. Everyone needs to move on. As for what’s best for her I hardly think coming home to an empty house is the best thing for her. It will be hard for everyone, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth fighting for.” She was angry now and she knew it wasn’t helping anyone but she had had enough. That’s the problem with this fucking world. People are put on an impossible pedestal and the moment something isn’t perfect in their lives they are forced off and that’s them ‘cancelled’. Fucking ignorant arseholes. 

Listen Regina, and please listen before you say anything. 

“As your friend I agree with everything you said. I love you and Emma. I do. Truly. As your manager, I’m sorry but it’s too much of a risk. So can we agree to disagree. You do the tour as planned, and we’ll see how Emma is, and then maybe, maybe after a couple of shows she can join you for one show and we will go from there” Zelena was just as desperate it seemed. 

Regina isn’t happy but she knows this is as good as it is going to get so she whispers or more accurately growls. “Fine” 

Zelena acknowledges it with a smug smirk and they return to what they were originally due to meet for- deciding which would be the encore song for the tour. 

///

For so long Emma couldn't wait to get out of this place with its too bright walls and relentlessly happy staff but as she packed her final belongings into her bag she felt a twinge of sadness. Being here had been tough. She'd faced some of her worst demons but because of this place she was on the path to recovery. Her time here had allowed her to, as soppy and as clichéd as it sounds, find herself. 

She's interrupted from her thoughts by a knock at the door, it's David and she's glad to see him. Glad that their relationship is one of the things she's had a chance to work on and to rebuild whilst she's been here. They always used to be close and she's more than hopeful they will be again. 

They hug each other tightly and just let themselves feel. To go back to the time where they would go on the porch and just hold each other after Dad had a bit too much to drink. Again. 

Pleasantries are exchanged as they make their way out of the centre but once they are in the car there is no stopping them they talk about everything and anything and it's nice. Comforting. Normal.

Emma's not quite sure how long they have been driving when David asks "Where the fuck is your house?" 

Emma laughs and takes a look around gathering her surroundings. "You know where my house is. Not like this is your first time visiting. And not much further. 20 minutes up here and then turn left on the bend." 

"Still sarcastic then" David replies. 

"If I ever lose my sarcasm that's when you really have to panic" Emma deapans. 

They both chuckle and smile before descending into a comfortable silence.

It’s a few minutes before Emma pipes up:

"Hey you know when you said I took your voice and I always idolised dad." 

David nods but doesn't say anything. He knows this is a difficult and touchy subject for both of them. 

"It was you I idolised. Its always been you. I'm sorry I hurt you" Emma whispers. 

In that moment David wishes he wasn't driving so he could hug her instead he offers her a grateful and slightly tearful smiles and says "Thanks Em that really means a lot and I don't really think you stole my voice, I guess I've always just been a bit jealous of it.”

Emma smiles, there is nothing much to say, but the air feels lighter, now that they both know the truth. 

After what seems like hours David is turning off to her house. 

Emma didn’t quite realise how hard this would be. Coming back here. It’s her house, their house, it’s special but it's also the place where she fucked up a lot. It’s in the past. She’s getting better. It’s time to make some new memories, she just guesses it won’t be as easy to erase the bad ones as she’d hoped. 

David sees the emotions build behind her eyes and in the tensing of her shoulders He knows that there is nothing her can say that will help so instead he offers her a reassuring smile and gently pats her shoulder. He’s here and he will help her continue to get through this. 

It’s what Emma needs in that moment to recentre and refocus. Once again she’s grateful for the huge amount of forgiveness shown by those she loves. 

As they walked toward the house David pulls her closer and says, like he did a few months ago, “If you need me then ring me or text me, or someone. Don’t suffer alone. Not again.”

Emma promises she will and this time she will keep that promise. 

nod from Emma confirming that she is ok and that she can do this. David leaves her at the door- he loves his sister and he loves Regina but he really doesn’t need to see their reunion. 

Emma waves goodbye and then slowly turns the door handle. She almost feels like she should knock and god why is she being so weird about this. She takes a deep breath and walks into the house through into the kitchen. The lights are off, and the place is dark- it’s too quiet, maybe Regina’s been delayed at the studio or something. She settles her guitar down, propping it against the wall and takes another minute. It’s almost as if she’s seeing her life through a different lense and in a way she is- she’s seeing her life, her house, her relationships without being numbed by alcohol or drugs and she keeps realising how lucky she is. She will appreciate it from now on. She will. 

It’s then that she hears footsteps coming down the hall, so Regina is home afterall. 

You know those moments in the movie that make you believe that true love must exist because the two characters just look at each other and take everything in- commit every freckle, every stray hair, every smile to memory. This was one of those moments. Regina walks into the kitchen and they both just stop and stare, before embracing each other tightly. There are no words to be said. They just need to hold each other tight, reassuring the other that this time they aren’t letting go. 

While still held in their loving embrace, Regina leaned in close to press a warm and loving kiss onto Emma’s beckoning lips. Emma returned the kiss with eager passion causing the kiss to escalate into a heated more passionate, tongues and lips moving together in a frantic dance. Hands weaving through long curly locks of hair, while the other gripped harder pulling each other ever closer. So that their bodies were now pressed flushed up against each other. Only the fabric of their clothes that separated them from their overheated naked bodies. They only break away from each other to allow a breath of air escape their lips.

“Shall we take this to our bed?” Regina asked in her most seductive voice she could muster, an intense longing to explore her love’s body was thrumming through her veins.

“Lead the way.” Was all Emma was able to say her own longing to be with Regina had overtaken all of her senses. Regina led them both to the. Bedroom where as soon as they entered the room they quickly removed all of their clothing. Throwing them to the floor in their haste to feel each other. To bring each other to mutual pleasure. 

Once rid of their clothing, they crash their lips together once more in a heated kiss. Emma moved them over to the bed, never letting their lips part in the process. The back of Regina’s knees hit the mattress. She pulls Emma down with her, their naked bodies pressed together in a warm embrace. Emma’s wet centre could be felt on Regina’s own as they continue to kiss each other. When they break the kiss they move into the centre of the bed, Regina on her back looking up into Emma’s green eyes. As they seem to reach deep down into her soul. Emma then kissed Regina briefly on the lips then placed a trail of them down her jawline, her neck and pulse point. Then onwards on her downward momentum. 

When she reached Regina’s plentiful breasts she took her nipple into her mouth letting her tongue flick over the tip in a circular pattern causing Regina to lean into it in her feeling of ecstasy. Emma used her free hand to give the neglected nipple some much needed attention. She soon let go of the nipple she was worshipping with her mouth to give its twin equal attention. Her hands began to explore Regina’s torso being sure to pay extra attention to her erogenous zones. All of this attention was rendering Regina a pant and whimpering mess she had never felt so wet before. 

Nor had she felt so loved and worshipped by Emma before, it seems that Emma’s stint in rehab has done her some good. Made her a better more attentive lover. Emma let go of the nipple she was playing with to continue to kiss her way down Regina’s olive toned body. She never thought that being this intimate with anyone could be this intense without the assistance of drugs or alcohol. She was feeling high with pleasure all on her own. And it all came down to being able to give the one person she loves the most all her love and attention. 

She then ventured down further, along her pelvic bone then finally she reached Regina’s dripping wet pussy, with a delightful aroma of her arousal beckoning her to taste it. So taste it she did, she missed Regina’s sweet yet tangy taste. Missed being able to bring that precious bundle of nerves out of its hood. Emma flicked her tongue over Regina’s clit, she nibbled it slightly to give that pleasure and pain combination that Regina enjoyed so much. She then gently inserted two fingers into Regina’s entrance, making sure to curl them in order to hit the spongy g-spot within her warm centre that was currently pulsing around her digits. 

She thrust her fingers in and out in a steady rhythm, while Regina continued to pant and moan out as she felt the onset of an impending orgasm was about to hit her. Emma continued to suck on Regina’s clit as she felt all the signs that her lover was about to reach her peak. With a few more thrusts of her fingers with her attention on Regina’s clit she came long and hard scream Emma’s name. Emma continued to thrust slowly to allow Regina to ride out her orgasm, then when she finally came down from her high. Emma gently removed her fingers and kissed her way back up Regina’s body to finally place a tender kiss on her lips. After which she rolled of Regina’s body to lay down beside her. A cocky smile of satisfaction on her face, with the knowledge that she truly rocked Regina’s world. 

Regina turned her head slightly to look Emma in the face, she was pleased to see that smile upon her face. It was a welcome site. Once she caught her breath she moved on top of Emma so that she could lovingly return the favour of the mind-blowing pleasure that Emma had bestowed upon her. As soon as Emma was brought to her own orgasmic high screaming Regina’s name, they continued on with many more passionate rounds of pleasure until finally dawn came and they collapsed in a sweaty heap of entangled limbs. Then as they caught their breaths they snuggled together in a blissful and much needed slumber.

Morning comes quicker than either would really like, but after months of being apart, waking up beside each other, brings yet another moment to savour. 

Regina pulls on the robe and pads toward the music room. Emma is struck, yet again, by her ethereal beauty, and follows her. She’d follow Regina to the end of the world or time. They also really need to arrange a honeymoon. It’s with that shared thought that they drift off to sleep. 

///

Morning comes quicker than either would really like, but after months of being apart, waking up beside each other, brings yet another moment to savour. 

Regina pulls on the robe and pads toward the music room. Emma is struck, yet again, by her ethereal beauty, and follows her. She’d follow Regina to the end of the world or time. 

Regina pulls out a familiar piece of paper. 

“How do you hear the rest of this, I’ve played around with it but I want to know how you hear it” 

Emma almost looks embarrassed when she says “It’s just good to hear to be played, it was in my head for so long, so to hear you play it, it’s just wow” , Regina smiles and in that moment, with them both sat at the piano, playing together, the future seems a little more certain and a little brighter. 

They work on the arrangement for a few more minutes, it’s good to collaborate with each other again, before Regina has to go and do the final rehearsals before her show tonight. 

Emma washes the mugs and the few plates by the sink before showering, and she’s just looking for something, anything to do when she hears the doorbell ring. 

She opens it and is surprised to see Zelena standing there. “Regina’s not in, she’s rehearsing” 

Zelena smiles, but it is disingenuous “I know, I asked to meet her here, if that’s ok”

Emma smiles back and motions for Zelena to come in, she makes coffee and braces herself for what she is going to be an awkward conversation. They sit there eyeing each other up like lions circling their prey, waiting to pounce. It’s just a question of when. 

“We’ve known each other a long time Emma” 

Emma confirms with a nod, not quite sure whether that was a question or a statement. 

Zelena continues “We’ve known each other for a long time and I like you. I like you a lot. You have an incredible voice and you care a lot”

“But” Emma supplies. She will listen to whatever Zelena wants to say but she isn’t going to be patronised and talked to like a child. 

“But you fucked up, and it wasn’t just once, it was more than once, once would be embarrassing but it would be recoverable, you fucked up multiple times. Just so happens that the last time you fucked up you also so nearly derailed Regina’s career as well. She will say that you won’t. She will say she’s not embarrassed of you, and she believes that truly, but some people- important people see her as a joke just because she’s still married to you. She’s on the eve of a European tour. It’s huge. This is her shot. Don’t throw it away for her. We both know it won’t be long until the caffeine is swapped for booze, again.” 

Emma reminds herself to breathe. To remain calm. Zelena wants her to lose it. Zelena wants to prove that she hasn’t changed. That she’s the same screw up she has always been. 

“Shut up Zelena. I know you are looking out for Regina in your own way, but I’m her wife and yes I’ve made some terrible choices, some of which, regrettably have affected Regina’s life and her career. I fucked up and no one knows that more than me. I will spend my whole life trying to make it up to her, and you’re right she’s already forgiven me because Regina is a better person than you or I will ever be, but I need to forgive myself. Her having a European tour this early in her music career is incredible it was years

“Summer 2004” Zelena interrupts 

“It was Summer 2004 before I got my first tour, 3 years after starting out, so I know how big of an opportunity this is and I’m not going to stand in her way. As for my demons I’m not going to lie and say they’ve gone. They’re still there, lurking in the darkness, but I’m in a better place than I have ever been before and that has to mean something” 

It’s an impassioned speech and they both know they’ve said all they have to say. They will never be friends, not really, but they will coexist happily for as long as they both have Regina’s best interests at heart. Zelena thanks Emma for the coffee and sees herself out, leaving Emma with a gazillion thoughts running through her brain. 

She goes for a run, a short one, and is grateful that it at least partially clears her mind. She turns on the TV and then turns it off again when she realises there is nothing on- yet again and just lies there until Regina gets home. She’s going to have to find something to do because doing nothing is driving her insane already.

Emma doesn’t have to wait long, and all her anxieties disappear when she sees Regina’s smiling face. 

“Hey babe” Regina never uses pet names so either she’s got some really good news or some terrible news, Emma is hoping for the former.

“Hey how was rehearsal? ” 

“It was good- the dance is finally coming to me easier now, but I actually wanted to talk to you about the tour. ”

Emma really hopes she’s good at faking a smile because being away from Regina after months of being apart is going to suck, but it is for better reasons this time. 

“I’m not going to Europe. ” 

“What” Emma exclaims

Regina looks shocked at Emma’s reaction

“I’m not going to Europe, not right now at least, My album is doing so well and the studio decided that it would be best to keep up the momentum. I’ll go on tour next year- when I release my next single. Which means I get to spend more time with you.” 

Emma is crushed not because Regina’s staying around, but because she’s lied. Zelena’s visit made it quite clear that the European tour was due to go ahead, and Zelena sure as hell wasn’t going to cancel it, which means Regina has. Why Emma doesn’t know. That’s a lie, Regina cancelled it for her but does that mean she doesn’t trust Emma to be here alone. Emma needs to breathe. Needs to calm down. Needs to stop going to the worst possible reason. She’s overacting. Smile. 

“I’m so proud of you babe” 

Regina blushes and Emma just smiles and whispers soft.

If there is anything Regina hates more than pet names it’s being called soft. 

“I’m proud of you too, what you’ve done over the past 3 months, that takes guts, and no matter what people say you should hold your head up high” 

“Thank you” Emma replies. 

“Sing with me tonight” Regina asks and Emma really wants to but she can’t. It’s too soon. It’s too much.

“Not tonight it’s too much too soon for me, I’ll be backstage supporting you though, now quickly kiss me before you go” 

Regina does just that before running off to the car, grabbing her jacket and bag along the way. 

Emma hears the door close and feels her shoulders slump. She’s still not over the fact that Regina lied and part of her hates herself for it- she’s done worse, she knows she has. Regina could have lied to protect her from this. From overthinking. It’s too much. All of it. Not just Regina lying but coming back here. 

She knew it would be hard but she didn’t expect it to be this hard. 

Ever since she arrived home her head has been spinning, her thoughts swirling. 

At the rehab centre she would go swimming, or as the months went on reach out to one of the onsite therapists but now she’s alone. 

Her breathing is erratic now. 1 2 3 4 5 6. It’s not helping. Not really. Her whole world is spinning. She needs a drink. That’s her overwhelming thought. She needs a drink but she can’t. 

She thrashes around, trying to find her damn phone, she needs to speak to David. He’s probably the only one that can talk any kind of sense into her. 

She finds it, it would be in the last pocket she checked in, and thank god for speed dial until she realises she’s not exactly sure what she is going to say to him. 

She doesn’t have time to overthink it because he answers after three rings

“Emma” his voice is laced with concern he’s trying to hide

“David. I I need you to come to the house, I can’t do this. I thought I could but I can’t. I’m not ready. I’m scared David. I can’t live like this. I can’t live a lie.” 

David grips his phone- he’s not seen Emma like this for a long time, not since she was a teenager who had just arrived after years of thinking she wasn’t wanted by anyone. He lets Emma get it all out. Sometimes a cry helps, it doesn’t solve anything, but it helps, just a little bit. 

“I’m on my way Emma, I’ll be 30 minutes max but promise me just wait until I’m there. We’ll get through this, you just need to hang on for a little bit longer okay.” 

He barely hears Emma’s yes, its drowned out by her sobs. 

David breaks god knows how many laws on the way to Emma’s but he doesn’t care. He gets there in 25 minutes and runs in the house. He’s frantic and he knows he needs to calm down before he finds Emma, but he can’t help himself. 

A couple of minutes later he sees Emma, curled up in a ball on the floor by the sofa. She looks so small. So scared and in that moment his heart breaks. 

“Em, it's me” he says as he moves to sit next to her, it’s unnecessary but he feels like he needs to say it, he doesn’t want to scare her. 

Emma barely moves her head, but he can tell she’s heard him. They sit there in silence, both taking small comfort that they’re not alone before David asks. 

“What happened Emma”

She doesn’t say anything, not at first, but she does place her head on his shoulders and he rubbed small circles on her back, just like he did when they were kids. 

“I feel like I walked into someone else’s life.” she whispers

“I know its my life but I don’t recognise it, or I don’t recognise me, I don’t know. I just don’t feel like I belong. The house is too big, there’s too many rooms. Too little noise. It’s too dark. I looked around earlier and I felt guilty because I should be grateful, and I am, I am grateful that I’m here, that I’m still alive, that I have a wife and a house and you and so many more people that love me but none of this is me. I don’t know who Emma Swan is anymore. I lost her long ago to the drugs and the booze and the sex. I didn’t have anyone and it was fine. It worked. Or I thought it did. I don’t know how to do ‘normal’. Then to top it off Regina lied to me. She cancelled her tour because of me- whether it is because she wants to be with me or she doesn’t trust me to be alone I don’t know- I don’t want to know, but she’s cancelled her tour, jeopardised her career for me and lied about it. I know I’ve done worse, so much worse, but I can’t do this, I can’t live a lie. I’ve been living a lie since I started in this goddamn business and I’m done.” 

They both take a moment to just breathe- they both need it. 

Emma feels a bit better, there’s a weight off her shoulder, her and David have not always had the easiest of relationships but they both love each other dearly. 

David holds his sister tighter. “Emma, the material things, they can change, I know it might seem like a huge task but it’s not. You hate the house- you move or you decorate. As for who Emma Swan is- you’ve not lost her, you never have and you never will. Emma Swan is the girl with a heart as loud as lions. Emma Swan is the woman who has a voice that speaks the truth- no matter how hard that truth is to hear. Emma Swan is the person who loves with her whole soul. Emma Swan is the strongest person I know. Emma Swan is the girl who has been fighting all her life. I think part of the reason you are struggling is because you don’t have to fight anymore. You don’t have to fight for a spoonful of food at the group home. You don’t have to fight for Dad’s attention on one of the few days or hours he was sober. You don’t have to fight for love, because despite your misgivings and mistakes Regina loves you. The only thing you have to fight now is that fear. Don’t let that fear consume you. Regina lied and that’s wrong. She knows how much you value the truth so she shouldn’t have lied, but if I know Regina it’s because she thought she was doing the right thing. So ask her. Confront her, Tell her what you told me, but Emma Swan it’s time to stop running” 

Emma smiles- her brother could give a hell of a hope speech, something she thinks he’s got off his snow white look alike girlfriend. He’s right though. She’s scared because life is terrifying sometimes especially when you have had to fight for so much, but she needs to stop, after she’s fought for her relationship. 

Emma asks what time it is and when David answers that it’s 10 she knows she’s almost too late but Emma Swan doesn’t give up. We need to get to the Lincoln Centre. David just nods- what’s one more driving violation. 

///

Regina’s more nervous than she thinks she’s ever been. She knows not doing the tour is a huge risk, but she’s never sang for fame, she’s sang because singing made her feel a little more at home in the world. Now Emma does that too, and she stands by what she said to Zelena. If Emma can’t be there then she won’t be. She just really hopes that Emma turns up tonight. 

When she’s not in time for Shallow, Regina really tries to not let her disappointment show, maybe she really wasn’t ready. She's performed without Emma for the past three months but this time feels different. It is different. Emma should be here and she isn't. She feels almost empty but she'll be damned if she let's that show so instead she puts everything into the song, if only to distract herself. 

It’s on the last line when she sees her, she’s been crying a lot, but she’s here so maybe there’s hope for them yet. 

She practically runs off stage and doesn’t care what people say. She goes to hug her but Emma gently pushes her back, If Emma’s come here to break up with her them she really isn’t the person she thought she was. 

Still it's clear that Emma has something important to say so Regina takes a small step back and urges the tears away as she listens. 

“Regina I’m scared. More scared than I’ve been in a long time because I hid behind booze and alcohol for so long. If I kept my distance from people I couldn’t hurt them. Then I fell for you and couldn’t help but love everything about you so I self destructed and hurt you in the process. I’m learning who I am. How to just be me. In order to do that I need you to be honest with me. If you cancelled Europe because you didn’t trust me or whatever then we need to talk about this together if you cancelled it because you genuinely aren’t ready and would rather work on your music here then that’s amazing. Just please we’ve been in this together since the start, we’ve coped with a lot, don’t lie to me” 

Regina wants to cry- she can’t because she was due on stage 5 minutes ago. “I’m sorry I lied, I am and it’s not because I don’t trust you, it’s because I love you. A European tour is amazing, and I love singing, but the performing, the press, that’s not me, not really. I sing best when it’s just you and me. We’ve been apart for too long, and honestly I think the idea of another 6 months without you would drive me insane. Now if we want to do anything together I need to get on that stage- want to join” 

Emma is honestly not sure she’s ready, not sure if she will ever be, but one thing she is sure of is that she wants to find out with Regina so she takes her hand and they make their way onto the stage. 

The lights are blinding, the cheers are deafening, but in that moment it was just two lovers in the night making a promise to each other. 

_ When we first met _

_ I never thought that I would fall _

_ I never thought that I'd find myself _

_ Lying in your arms _

_ And I want to pretend that it's not true _

_ Oh baby, that you're gone _

_ 'Cause my world keeps turning, and turning, and turning _

_ And I'm not moving on _

_ Don't wanna feel another touch _

_ Don't wanna start another fire _

_ Don't wanna know another kiss _

_ No other name falling off my lips _

_ Don't wanna give my heart away _

_ To another stranger _

_ Or let another day begin _

_ Won't even let the sunlight in _

_ No, I'll never love again.  _

Regina has never felt more alive. Performing with Emma had always been special. Always ignited something within her but singing a song written for her, about their relationship, together after their tumultuous relationship was a different league. She never used to believe in love at first sight but Emma changed that. Emma heard her voice and captured her heart. 

The stage, the crowd, music had always been an escape for Emma. A way for her to tell the world how she felt. It was also a way to hide. On stage she was someone else a different version of Emma Swan. Performing this song she realised something. This was the last time she wanted to perform. Music would always be a part of her life. But for a long time she'd used it to hide part of her away. She didn't want to hide anymore. 

Regina was her everything. The person she wanted to come home to. The person she wanted to send a good morning text to. The person who had made her want to be better. Regina was her forever and always.

The problem with being in a moment, is that it must end, and all too soon the performance is over. The music stops. 

This time it feels different though. 

This is not an end. This a beginning. The beginning of the lives that they both deserve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It may not be the end for Emma and Regina but alas it is the end of the story. I debated writing more and did have a few flash forwards but ultimately I didn’t feel like it flowed. I may, if there is enough interest release them as one shots. I hope you have enjoyed my story.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Always Remember Us [Fanart]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20475056) by [NikiFrost](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikiFrost/pseuds/NikiFrost)


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